pop-culture for the people

Ahh… early Nintendo games… before the idea of “saving” was invented. There’s no way to save your game in most of these game, so you’re left with the decision of setting aside 4 hours to beat a game, or pausing for a really long time. After 30 minutes of Faxanadu, I went with choice C-turn the game off. So this review may not be very informative… deal with it.

Faxanadu promises “Danger and Daggers, Mantras and Monsters.” ^TM How eloquent. The ad staff obviously had tripe for brains if they thought this was gonna get any little kid interested in shelling out their parents hard earned cash. What are mantras you ask? They’re little sayings that spiritualists and Buddhist monks recite to give themselves super-power (ala Buddha Fireball). The mantra of the character in this game (I don’t know his name, so let’s call him Irwin) is “Don’t Give Up.” Guess coming up with a title like Faxanadu drained the Nintendo staff of all their creativity. Blah.

So… the game. It’s not too outstanding. You return home after a long journey and find that dwarfs have left your town a mess (like they do). These diabolical demented dwarfs are going to rule the entire kingdom of Faxanadu by stealing the water supply. You are the kingdom’s last hope. And guess what, not one single person is willing to help you. You can’t get anything without shelling out lots of money for it. The butcher won’t even give you energy saving food when you’re dying. Ungrateful pecker-heads, let the dwarfs have their water! Well, I tried fighting monsters unarmed, and I died. Makes sense. I was going to quit right there, but the game informed me not to “Give Up”. Okay, so I tried this again after buying a dagger (see Faxanadu delivered it’s promise, there are indeed daggers in the game) and karate lessons. Karate lessons are useless, btw, when you pay for them all that happens is you lose money… no cool screenshots of fighting ninjas and balancing bricks on your head (as Karate people do of course).

Where was I? Oh that’s right, wasting away my life by reviewing a shitty video game. So I stabbed “monsters” like Jumping Eyeballs and Spiky Poo or whatever. And that’s it. I think there are only 2 areas to explore in the game, Town and Mountains. Maybe there’s a secret well or wings to fly up the mountain with, but I didn’t find them, so there probably aren’t any. What a piece of shit game. Definitely not worth $30 or however much Nintendo games used to run. Avoid this game at all costs. I tried to flush Faxanadu down the toilet, but it clogged the drain and I have to call a plumber. Thank you very much Mr. Nintendo, see if I ever review one of your cruddy games ever again. (he will, don’t worry -ed.)

-Future

What Other Staff Members Think:
Tobita - Destroy all monster, that is the mission of reverent Tobita! Game promise of monster unfulfilling. Two monster not ALL monster! I fight Ken the Box. Honorable opponent. Jumping Eyeball dishonorable! Yeah!!!

Warhol - I dunno, I found the game really quite drab.  Brown is definitely not the color of the age.  I’d say a nice flaxen color, or ruby red would be exquisite.  Oh and large men with bald heads don’t do it for me.  I’d have to give this cur a 4 out of 10.

Other Faxanadu Resources:
Faxanadu Forum (for dorks and Finnish bastards)
The Faxanadu Manuel
A Much More Professional Looking Review

I don’t have much to say about this stupid game except I hate it.

Was not worth my 15 minutes at Walmart.

Conclusion: WORST GAME EVER (almost).

-hollywood

Shameless Promotion:
Buy This at Amazon

Other Pokemon Resources:
Contrasting Review of Pokemon Stadium 2
Review of Pokemon Stadium 2 (import)
Pokemon Banned in Saudi Arabia!!!
Pokemon Movie 3 (I’m sure this will win an Oscar)

Future here again with another lascivious review. I don’t know what that word means, but it’s probably apropos. This week I’m investigating the genre of wrestling games: Then and Now. I’ll start with WWF Wrestlemania: Steel Cage Challenge. The moment I saw the opening screen of a pixilated Hulk Hogan ripping his shirt and leering at me, I knew I was in for a hell of a time reviewing this!

In Steel Cage Challenge you can be the immortal Hulkster, the Undertaker, IRS, Bret Hart, the Mountie, Jake Roberts or Ted Dibiase. It really doesn’t matter who you are because everyone has the same move set. They pretty much all look alike too, except Hulk Hogan, who is very bright and orange (They did a good job of capturing his walrus mustache as well.) Bret Hart and the Mountie look the same and they also look black (they are not). The graphics as a whole are pretty bad IMO. The ring looks like a cardboard cutout, and the faces on the character profile look nothing like the wrestlers, more like old high school yearbook shots of bad hair and blurry people.

There are 2 things they captured perfectly though: the theme music and the crowd. All of your favorite themes are there, from Hulk Hogan’s “I Am a Real American” to Bret Hart’s “Da da da dah…dah-duh” to IRS “Sounds of a Typewriter.”TM The crowd doesn’t move, but great detail was used on individual fans.  There’s Smiley Guy and Cool Guy with Glasses and Totally Uninterested Guy (can’t blame him!)

You can fight in a tag-team, in a steel cage or for the WWF title. You know what?  I can’t beat a single person!  Maybe one day I’ll review another game I’ve beaten, but these games are tough (or I’m stupid). I tried calling the old Nintendo Power Hotline, and I got some greasy jerk named “Bill”(if that is his real name) who claimed that I had a wrong number. I intend on writing to Nintendo to report “Bill” for goofing off at work!

The only “moves” in the game are punch, kick, throw your opponent around and slam. I guess back then wrestlers didn’t know many holds. I was trounced time and again by the Mountie… and why? There’s no way to kick out of a pin… unless you’re the computer. I’ve decided that video games have a rudimentary intelligence, enough to not want anyone to win when playing against them. Computers are just too smart for me, and one day I’ll accept that. For now, I’ll curse at the Mountie for mysteriously recovering all his energy and running away when I’m winning. This is WRESTLE-FIGHTING not CHEAT-FIGHTING.  Screw That!  I played the Player vs. Player mode with no one around and beat the shit out of my opponents. The only games I like are the ones where I win. Me, not YOU!

After getting bored of this below average “game” I took the cartridge out and challenged it to a real fight.  After it seemed to accept we had a long battle where I bashed it to pieces with a steel chair as my manager distracted the ref. Bring it on shitty old Nintendo games!!! I ain’t afraid a you!  WWF No Mercy… You’re next!!!

The Bottom Line:  WWF Wrestlemania : Steel Cage Challenge is hours of fun if you’re a BRAIN DEAD RABBIT or if you’re in a coma!

-Future

What Other Staff Members Think:
Tobita - Wrassle game, I wrassler!! Hulk Hogan say once, “Bring it on!” so I bring it on. He cry like diaper soiled baby when Tobita bring it on. Bring it on made famous throughout world with murals, stories and giant stone sculpture. Whole world know legend Tobita bring it on!  Yeah!!

Warhol - Hmm…  Another drab, dull theme with a bald guy.  I’m seeing a pattern uglier than plaid.  Ghastly!

Other Steel Cage Challenge Resources:
Another Review of This Crappy Game
Get the ROM and Play on Your PC
WWF Wrestling Cheats