It’s been a rough a rough couple of weeks to be a celebrity! Who’s next? Tony Danza? Paris Hilton? Yolanda Vega?! Nobody is safe!
First we’ve got David Carradine who was apparently into some seriously kinky kungfuckery. Turns out it was his own Five Fingers of Death that done him in. Unless of course you believe the nonsense his family claims he was trying to uncover some deadly undercover kung fu assassins (no I’m not making this shit up!).
Then Ed McMahon (who now rests peacefully in a hermetically sealed mayonnaise jar, never before seen by human eyes, sealed by Funk and Wagnall’s on their porch since noon today) cashed in his oversized price check a few days ago. Hopefully he’s playing second fiddle to God these days:
Michael Jackson moon walked off stage and was Gone Too Soon.
And to wrap it all up BILLY MAYS died today too. I get a sneaking suspicion that heaven is fairly squeaky clean (no nead for Orange Glo, OxiClean or Zorbeez) so I hope he finds a hobby for eternity. If anything I would have thought Vince “Sham Wow” would have slapchopped his way into the hereafter first (rather than slapchopping hookers). I guess we’ll be seeing fewer of these great parody videos:
I really hope that’s it for now. A little too much celebrity death for my liking. May they all rest in peace.
Discuss (0) | Last updated
28 June 2009 at
06:17 pm
Film has the power to make us feel and think. There are many fantastic moments since the dawn of film. Here’s my top 5 moments in film. At least the ones I can think of at the moment!
Please note: There are SPOILERS aplenty in this article so if you haven’t seen these movies beware!
The ending. Close tie with the ending (similar in many respects) of Fight Club.
How do you end one of the most interesting black comedy political satire films? Blow up the world! Nuclear mutually assured destruction paired with Vera Lynn’s “We’ll Meet Again”; it’s a thing of beauty. The ending was mirrored closely with the ending of Fight Club though with a very different meaning and way of getting there.
Fun Fact: Slim Pickens was not told this film was to be a satire. He was instructed to play his character straight.
“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.”
Okay this scene is towards the end of the film and it’s the end of a confrontation between the main antagonist Roy Batty, a “replicant” (a cyborg of sorts) and the protagonist Deckard who’s job it is to hunt rogue replicants. The replicants have a built in life span and Roy knows his expiration date is about up. Like humans he wants to understand why they must die and does everything he can to forestall the inevitable. Ultimately he realizes the futility and accepts his fate.
It’s a surprisingly touching moment for science fiction movie scene between a cop and a robot. It’s about realizing your mortality and knowing that your memories and life experience will die with you. Perhaps if Roy spent some of his time writing a therapeutic autobiography instead of staring at interstellar construction yards he wouldn’t have spent the last moments of his life killing people.
About halfway into the film when the astronauts land on the moon. It’s a great scene and one of the most memorable in early film as it is a creative mix of special effects and science fiction with a true narrative (albeit simple). Watch below or download it here.
Fun Facts: If you were watching MTV during the 90’s you will find this film familiar as the Smashing Pumpkins recreated it for their Tonight, Tonight video.
For those interested in absurdism you might be interested to know that it is also one of the first examples of ‘pataphysics in film.
The Atom Smasher roller coaster scene. Now I’m not old enough to have seen the roller coaster scene when it first came out but I’ve heard from several people who did that it was breathtaking. I’ve seen the scene for myself in a clip on the Blu-Ray of How The West Was Won on my big screen TV at home. It’s an exciting thrill ride on a roller coaster. If you can imagine watching a screen that is three full size movie theatre screens wide you can start to imagine the experience.
Cinerama was a brand new experience to most movie goers when it debuted in 1952. In the same way IMAX changed the way films are made and projected Cinerama used three massive synchronized cameras aligned to create a widescreen view of the film. It was incredibly expensive to make films (as well as project them) so there weren’t many made in the early 3 camera process. A later process was developed that used a single camera (and single theatre projector) that brought the cost down.
Film started in a square picture format, closer to standard definition television. Today we take for granted the widescreen format of movies. Even our televisions are now widescreen (with the transition to widescreen HDTV). So the next time you are bragging to your friends about your new widescreen home theatre setup thank Cinerama for popularizing the idea of widescreen.
This Is Cinerama was not a particularly great film in that there really isn’t a story, it is essentially a technology demo. It did however change the way films are made and viewed forever. Unfortunately the film is not available on home video nor film for that matter. It was left in legal limbo and it is unknown what will happen to it. You can see parts of the film and get an idea of the process from the How The West Was Won Blu-Ray though.
Fun Facts: The craze of -orama names like Bowlorama, Discorama etc. were all the result of the popularity of Cinerama.
The Atom Smasher roller coaster was located at Rockaways’ Playland in Queens, NY. It was torn down in the 80’s and a housing development sits there now.
“Woody, would you explain the plot to the audience?”
Okay this is my favorite moment in film history and it’s a great but silly one. It was during the height of the cold war. The first four Bond movies had recently been released and spy thrillers were massive box office smashes. What’s Up Tiger Lily? started as a sloppy Japanese Bond knockoff Woody Allen bought the rights to and redubbed and reedited into a spy film spoof.
We’ve been introduced to our hero, Phil Moscowitz who finds himself in the middle of a plot to steal the recipe for the world’s greatest egg salad from a gangster. Cut throughout the film are crazy song and dance numbers by the Lovin’ Spoonful. No, I’m not making this up. It’s just as weird and wonderful as it sounds. Then in the middle of the film the movie breaks to an interview with Woody Allen. The interviewer asks Woody Allen if he would explain just what the hell is going on here. Woody then simply says, “NO”. The movie immediately continues its sillyness.
This moment is great because Woody recognizes the insanity but instead of hitting the audience with a sledgehammer of plot he simply says, “figure it out your own damn self”. How many times do you get frustrated when someone watches a movie and later complains they didn’t get it? “Star Wars was confusing, I didn’t get it. Explain to me what happened?”. NO.
Fun Facts: Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (and RiffTrax) is in many ways a direct result of this film.
A year later Woody Allen would join a group of comedy heavyweights to help write the original film Casino Royale, a Bond spoof. Though that film does actually use and name the character James Bond it exists somewhere outside of the realm of Bond canon.
HAVE YOUR OWN TOP MOMENTS IN FILM? Let us know in the comments!
Discuss (1) | Last updated
18 April 2009 at
07:32 pm
“If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.”
“Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.”
“Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.”
These are just some of the things Chuck Norris is known for. He’s a world champion Karate expert, Air Force Air Policeman, 80’s action movie star, fake Texas Ranger, internet meme and homophobic card-carrying-NRA intelligent design loving douchebag. He was also the hero in a little known and little remembered 80’s videogame called Chuck Norris Superkicks.
Long before Mike Tyson was attached to Punchout!! Chuck Norris was featured in Chuck Norris Superkicks. It was 1983, the height of Norris’ action movie career just before The Delta Force came out. You played Chuck on an epic quest to rescue a monk held hostage in an ancient monastery by an evil cabal of ninjas whom you you must save before time runs out or else you both die. During his quest you acquire fighting skills in the form of belts starting out as a white belt and ending up as a black belt (signified by the color of the bottom of your screen.).
Given you have a mere 6 minutes to go from a white belt to black belt and defeat the ninjas it’s not entirely clear who exactly who administers the belt distribution so we are left to assume Chuck Norris is also a skilled textile worker. Probably something he picked up during his time in Korea.
Your quest begins on a dirt path heading into the hills towards the monastery. Along the way you will fight various bandits and ronin intent on stopping you or at least slowing you down. Everything sounds great so far, right? Well not so much. The story line, befitting early Steven Seagal films (before he went environmental), is about the only thing good about this “game”.
On the road you often have to choose between two paths, one is right and the other is wrong adding to your overall time to defeat the end boss. There is no hint of the proper path, just a roll of the dice. Over and over you will select the wrong path on your quest only having to backtrack (Steven Seagal would probably get all Zen right about now). It is the videogame equivalent of having to stop at every redlight in a racing game.
In addition to the various belts you will need to acquire the patience of Jane Goodall teaching a retarded chimpanzee how to get the jellybeans. The controls are absolutely awful and take a great deal of time to get used to. There is a noticeable lag in response leaving you to look like you are playing one of those drunk-driving simulators you see at the state fair. The horrible controls and seemingly random chance assigned when you actually hit an opponent make this game frustratingly difficult. Eventually you learn to compensate but even then the collision detection is iffy at best and your frustration will mount as you get beat on by random jobbers.
You are equipped with four moves thrust kick, punch, block and the somersault superkick. I’ve seen Chuck Norris do many a roundhouse but I’m not sure I’ve seen him do a somersault superkick in real life. Unlike many of you reading this I’ve seen more than my fair share of Chuck Norris in real fights. My stepfather had a huge collection of VHS tapes of his tournament fights. Nary a somersault superkick in the bunch.
Ronin warriors and Tengu bandits crop up on the way to the monastery. Get used to nut shots because these guys will make you suffer enough to make even the most virile of men sterile (except of course Chuck Norris who can apparently drop testicles like nobodies business). I’m thinking the ninja cabal was feeling the effects of 80’s trickle-down economics in their security funding for such uninspired planning.
After passing the Goemon guards who simply annoy you with Chinese throwing stars at the entrance of monastery you finally get to fight some real live ninjas. The first wave sort of swarm at you and waste your time. After beating them the candles go out. Another wave of ninjas use their mystical stealth invisibility attack which is a royal pain to get past. They are there mainly to run into you and waste your time. You will come to find wasting time is a running theme in Chuck Norris Superkicks. If you make it past them you fight a few more waves eventually beating the game (yay). As per the era there really isn’t an ending per se so don’t expect much.
Summing up, the sound effects are pretty much crap, and no effort to do anything special for the ColecoVision version of the game which was far superior to the Atari 2600, Commodore 64 and VIC-20 versions. The graphics are adequate. You’ll either see grass, which by the way slows you down so stay on the path, dirt, mountains or trees and the monastery. Oh and the occasional squiggly field which I assume are ninja-breeding rice paddies.
The developer, Xonox, wasn’t exactly known for going the extra mile on quality. In fact they are one of the many low quality Coleco and Atari developers who contributed to the death of the videogame industry in the US, later to be revived by the introduction of the Nintendo Entertainment System. Like Mike Tyson’s Punchout!! eventually the license ran out for his likeness and it was later re-released as “Kung Fu Superkicks” which was the same exact game without Chuck Norris’s name on it. By the way it isn’t as rare as Mangia for the 2600 but it’s rare enough that you should hold onto it if you have a copy.
Verdict: This game royally sucks monkey nuts. I can’t believe I wasted so many hours trying to beat it when I was a kid. I would happily trade those wasted hours to get roundhouse kicked to the face over and over by Walker Texas Ranger. It would be more satisfying by far than getting punched in the nuts by a Ronin warrior.
PROTIP:Eating lead paint and following it with a chaser of gasoline is probably a better use of your time.
Long before Mike Tyson was attached to 
In addition to the various belts you will need to acquire the patience of Jane Goodall teaching a retarded chimpanzee how to get the jellybeans. The controls are absolutely awful and take a great deal of time to get used to. There is a noticeable lag in response leaving you to look like you are playing one of those drunk-driving simulators you see at the state fair. The horrible controls and seemingly random chance assigned when you actually hit an opponent make this game frustratingly difficult. Eventually you learn to compensate but even then the 
Summing up, the sound effects are pretty much crap, and no effort to do anything special for the ColecoVision version of the game which was far superior to the Atari 2600, Commodore 64 and VIC-20 versions. The graphics are adequate. You’ll either see grass, which by the way slows you down so stay on the path, dirt, mountains or trees and the monastery. Oh and the occasional squiggly field which I assume are ninja-breeding rice paddies.
