pop-culture for the people

I often review some stuff that isn’t all that much fun. No one wants to hear about long philosophy books and things that make your abs look crunchy. So, I decided to review something that generally everyone like, but I think stinks.

My mom bought me Spaghettios over break, and I don’t think we have an understanding as of yet (the Spaghettios and I, that is). You see, we come into conflict on several important issues.

I Want Food Now.  Yes, I’m lazy. I won’t make condensed soup, because I have to get up and get water. Nothing upsets me more than stuff that promises to be quick and easy, but really takes a lot of time and effort. Stuff in a can is pretty easy. I’m still waiting for Campbell’s and Volvo to make me a car in a can. Then, my life will be complete. Spaghettios come in a can, sure, but do they want to come out of that can?  No way! Why? I am convinced that they simply hate me. There is no other explanation. I see those little bratty, snot nosed kindergartners on the school bus thinking how they live a life of pomp and luxury where they don’t have to get their Spaghettios out of the can by themselves. It’s not fair. Did I take a seminar on this? Was it part of my course curriculum. My parents forgot to teach me not to eat stuff like paint chips and Spaghettios and now I do it all wrong! It’s really not my fault.

I Don’t Like Messes.  I make a lot of messes, but I’m not partial to any of them. Spaghettios make a big plop when they come out of the can (or when they come out on the can). When I’m trying to cook my Spaghettios, I find that their eventual decline to my plastic bowl involves a lot of yellow and brownish droplets spraying all over my dorm room. I don’t like that, because it gives the spiders and gremlins underneath my bed something to eat. Then, they can have babies and use natural selection to breed a super-monster that will destroy me while I sleep!

Why the heck won’t they make cans that can go into the microwave? You know what? It’s those gosh darn Amish peoples out there on the plains, herding up the Spaghettios from the Spaghettios field and canning them in their cellars. They don’t have microwaves, and they’re trying to get rid of us by frustrating and confusing us into putting the can in the microwave. They know we have needs. They just don’t care. I say we nuke their country.  (eye I oi -ed.)

Oh Yeah BABY, Spaghettios don’t taste all that good. They’re not even that cheap. So, don’t eat them, unless you’re seven and your parents can get them out of the can for you. Once they’re out of the can, they’re barely worth eating, ranking somewhere above “Oreo cookie dropped on the bathroom floor” and below “microwave pancakes” on the edibility scale.

Bubye…. And all you Amish people who have computers, remember all your bases are belong to us!!!!

-Hazzard

What other staff members think:
David Bowie:  What the BLOODY HELL?!!?  This lad must ‘ave some issues to speak of Spaghettios this way…

A Bit Of Trivia:  There are more than 1,750 O’s in a 15-ounce can. If you were to place them side to side, it would be over 30 feet long!  Four different sizes of O’s are in traditional SpaghettiOs: ditalini, ditali, tubetti and tubetina.  It’s a fact! -ed.

More Information On Spaghettios:
Official Spaghettios site
The world’s stupidest thing ever
Spaghettios saved my life: A true story
This site’s background is worse than this site’s
Spaghettios Screensaver (oh my!  it couldn’t be could it?!!)
Spaghettios and weirdos
Salon.com and Spaghettios

Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about promoting the site more lately as the site has been growing and we have been getting more and more traffic.  I really appreciate the support from all of you out there reading us regularly!  There has been a big response to the new feature BonJolie’s Six Degrees of Everything from our new member BonJolie.  I would encourage you to challenge her, because we have yet to have someone stump her.

A lot of stuff has been going on since I last wrote a featured article.  I put in my resignation today and will be out of my current job and moving in a few weeks.  So yes, I do have a real job.  Hard to believe since I spend enough time on this site that I think I should be making money off it, unfortunately I’m not making a stinking red cent, but I’m not complaining. (((subliminal message: click on banner ads!  buy stuff!)))  So, anywhoo…

I have also been in contact with various websites, trying to form alliances.  This site has been around for a while, but I have only recently started promoting it in a big way.  This is mostly due to many, many redesigns and a change in our target audience.  I think finally MvsR has found its niche.  I think we are going to stick with this design for a while, until the site gets too big and becomes too difficult to manage in its current form.  I am looking at other hosting options as well so that I can move the site when it outgrows its current setup.  However this all takes time and that is something I have been lacking lately, so fortunately we have some kickass writers with a lot to say.  (hey, if you would like to submit something, drop me a line…)  I have also appreciated all the letters you guys have been sending in.  It looks like I’m going to have to blow the dust off the mailbag feature and start updating it regularly =)  I am also thinking about changing the newsletter to a different service because people seem to be having problems signing up with yahoo’s groups, so I’m looking at bcentral’s listbot instead.  Anyway… let’s get to what this article is all about…  Pimpin’ MvsR!!

I have come up with a list of fun ways you too can help promote the site!  Here’s the list so far:
(some of these could get you into trouble so don’t be a moron, k?  don’t say i didn’t warn you!)

Go to random people’s personal website’s and pimp monkeysvsrobots.com!

Email your friends and family and tell them about MvsR.

Shave monkeysvsrobots.com into the fur of your cat or dog and take them on long walks.

Post monkeysvsrobots.com to your favorite porn site (your pervs!).

Change a coworker’s or person you don’t like’s default settings in their browser to go to monkeysvsrobots.com.

Go door to door and handout a sample page (that you printed off at work) to people in your neighborhood.

Give your kids crayons and markers and encourage them to write monkeysvsrobots.com on everything they see.

Alternatively, give your kids chalk and tell them to write monkeysvsrobots.com on the sidewalk.  Stay out of the street kids!

Get a show on a cable access channel and dress up as characters from your favorite Disney movie while prancing around listening to Grandpa Jig’s polka records played at high speed while flashing monkeysvsrobots.com on the screen.

Write a letter to a lost friend or lover and tell them to visit monkeysvsrobots.com’s forums to chat.

Put monkeysvsrobots.com on your business card.

If you are still lost in the 80’s (like a few people I know), stitch monkeysvsrobots.com on your elite “Members” jacket.

Tattoo monkeysvsrobots.com on your forehead and display yourself proudly (clothing optional, but highly suggested).

Lick your favorite frog in the forest and think of your own ideas for promotion!

Tell people to challenge BonJolie!

Go into IRC channels and post the website address in there 20 times over and over.  This will win you friends too!

Alternatively, go into AOL chat channels and do the same.

Or, AIM random people and tell them to visit monkeysvsrobots.com.

Carve monkeysvsrobots.com into your body like in the movie Fear.

Get your buddy with a flight license to write monkeysvsrobots.com in the sky.

If he doesn’t have a skywriting setup get him to drop flyers for monkeysvsrobots.com on people’s houses.  Avoid police stations!

Pee monkeysvsrobots.com in the snow.

Encourage your pets do the same.  Scold them until they get it right.  Pets are notorious for misspellings.

Hack websites and provide links to monkeysvsrobots.com.  Here are some site to start you off:  seanbaby, Law and Order, hiphop, purple and soapnet.

Leave messages on peoples answering machines and tell them to go to monkeysvsrobots.com.

Do the same thing with faxes.

Bring signs to live events with monkeysvsrobots.com written in bright colors.  Make sure you are or dress up as a weirdo as weirdo’s get the most press coverage.  Some live events to go to: Wrassle fights, Comic Con’s, and Trek or Sci-fi Conventions.

Take the Christmas tree lights down (hey, nobody is going to give you a prize for having them up earlier than your neighbors) and arrange them on the roof spelling out monkeysvsrobots.com.  If you have enough strings you can alternate messages, possibly to signal aliens.

*Breaker*Breaker*  Tell all of your HAM and CB friends about monkeysvsrobots.com.  If you live near a highway, make conversation with truckers.

If you are a real weenie, signal them with Morse code.

Send pictures of yourself with a tag displaying monkeysvsrobots.com on it.  My girlfriend would prefer you do this with clothes.  This is a family site or something.  I dunno.

Link to us through your own website.

Etch monkeysvsrobots.com in the walls of bathrooms.

Encourage your kids to do the same.  Also, etch monkeysvsrobots.com in desks.  Not advisable at work!

If you have money (hey, who doesn’t these days, ooh, except me…) advertise with us!

So there you have it, a list of ways you can help your friends at MvsR to make it to the top.  Maybe someday we will be as big as this site.  Who knows?  Oh well…  My brain is about to explode and it is tired.  Don’t ask me why the pictures I put up above are there, because I don’t really know myself.  I just did it.  Things happen.

-Hollywood

Well, seeing as how this is my first comic book review I would like to make a brief statement. Comic books can be art. Period. That’s all. Next time someone asks you “Hey, funny books, aren’t those for babies?” I want you to do me a big favor and STAB THEM IN THE FACE.

Thank you for your time.

Sam & Max: Surfin’ the Highway is the collected adventures of two zany freelance policemen (detectives). Sam is a homicidal cool-headed dog and Max is a homicidal idiot savant rabbit. They solve crimes and shoot a lot of people. This comic book is not only funny (way better than Calvin & Hobbes, which is overrated. And it is.), but it has monkeys in it too!! God knows if you visit this site you must love foul-smelling flea infested monkeys.

Most of the stories are 10 pg. or so epics with some shorter fun facts and activity pages. It’s funtastic and educational. Ever want to learn how to break a friend out of prison? Well now you’ll know how! The plotlines usually make very little sense, but they still give you the feeling that you’re reading an epic in the vein of the Iliad or Odyssey. In the episode “Bad Day on the Moon” for example we witness an incredible voyage to the moon. And one of the main characters dies!!! I won’t spoil it by telling you that it’s Max. Need reference material on life in ancient Egypt or Peruvian culture? It’s all in here!!!

The witty dialog more than makes up for any lack of plot. Sam “Hey-you don’t smoke! What the hell are you doing?!” Max: “Trying to look cool, so cheap, teenage bimbos will come by and take me home and wash my socks and make me chocolate milk.” See, if that’s not witty then I don’t know what is. Flip to any page and you’ll find something that will brighten your day and make you not want to shoot your boss.

Purcell is the master of making a lot happen in a very little amount of space. Stories progress rapidly at a break-neck pace and every single panel is crammed with interesting things like roaches, monkeys and corndogs. The side characters are very interesting too; they don’t become tiresome when they make a few brief appearances and vanish forever (like so many comic book characters do). You’ll see Flint Paper, king of film noir private dicks, Ratzo and his Howling Band of Cephalopods and Mack Salmon, the horribly disfigured crime lord. There is too much goddamn goodness in this book. I advise drinking lots of coffee when reading it.

I give this book a million billion stars. Buy it now, before it’s too late!!!!!

-Future

Hollywood Notes:
I would normally assume our readers are “with it” enough to know this, but just in case…  Sam n’ Max was also made into a miserable Saturday morning cartoon for a while for FoxKids and into a very successful computer game by Lucasarts.  The book reviewed above is a collection of all the comics drawn of Sam n’ Max.  Will we see more of them?  Who knows, but we can always hope! In the meantime, you can find some Sam n’ Max stuff on eBay. -HD

Shameless Promotion:
Buy this at Amazon.com

Other Sam & Max Resources:
Sam & Max Central
Sam & Max: Freelance Police
Unofficial Sam & Max Homepage
Sam & Max Ate My Balls