pop-culture for the people

It’s very hard to ruin cheese.
True, if you were on it to sneeze,
It would not necessarily please
And eating it would not be of ease

But it would still be cheese.

If you charged enormous fees
Just to even look at cheese
We’d turn our noses and say, “Please!!”
And then it we’d try to seize

Because it would, yes, still be cheese

If Swiss cheese holes contained large bees
Or if feta had in it hungry fleas
We may not want those kinds of cheese.
But here’s a fact with which we tease:

They’d still be good ol’ fashioned cheese.
Cheeses do not grow on trees,
They come from cows, just squeeze on these!
And should you try some fresh goat cheese,
One taste and you’d say, “Holy Jeez!

Dumb animals make real good cheese!”

So do to cheeses what you please;
Throw it, squish it, melt or freeze.
But from Maine to London to Belize
It makes us all weak in the knees

Because it’s very hard to ruin cheese.

Cheese is cheese, we all need cheese,
Need it as much as spare car keys.
That’s why I give it five Monkeys.

Resources:
Cheese.com
American Cheese Society
Japanese Cheese
The Search for Cheese
The String Cheese Incident
Know the Facts!

I was one of the lucky few to receive a new Nintendo Gamecube under the tree this past Christmas. My fancy new jet-black box is not only a feat in visual design, but also in sheer fun.

Okay, this is a quick review of the GCN. First of all, I’d love to know who decided to initialize the Gamecube as “GCN”. Anyway… The GameCube is Nintendo’s successor to the N64. It is a faster, more powerful system and Nintendo’s first entry into disc (3 inch mini-DVD) based gaming.

The GCN’s use of disc’s is important because it was one of the factors that led to the N64’s difficulties in getting 3rd party (non-Nintendo) game development. The cost to produce ROM cartridges is very expensive and it is difficult to squish a lot of data onto a cartridge. The system uses two high-speed processors codenamed Gekko and Flipper. The Gekko processor is the main CPU based on the popular PowerPC line that powers Macintosh computers. It has been enhanced to add certain functions that give it a little extra ‘oomph’ to push the pixels. The Flipper chip is based on a core that ArtX/ATI developed that enables the GCN to do its fancy graphical effects. The graphics power of the machine is noticeably faster than the Sony Playstation 2 which was released over a year ago, however it isn’t quite up to par with Microsoft Xbox that was released 2 weeks before the GCN. This will become more important, and apparent later on as each platform ages and developers need to ‘eek’ more power out of each system.

The GCN comes standard with 4 controller inputs (with a single controller packed in) to enable party gameplay. Unlike the PS2, you don’t have to purchase a multitap to accomplish this. Launch titles like Super Smash Brothers Melee and Super Monkey Ball are great examples of Nintendo’s strength in the multiplayer/party game world. It is arguable that they don’t have much competition in this area.

The GCN’s library of games at launch time was small and increased to about 20 games by the end of 2001 with many new games being launched each month. Nintendo expects to have at least 70 titles by the end of 2002. Developer support was something Nintendo lost in a big way with the N64. Sure they had great titles like Mario 64, Perfect Dark, Goldeneye: James Bond 007 and who could forget Wrestlemania 2000? Most of the topselling titles were developed by Nintendo or Rare (their 2nd party developer, Nintendo controlled), which either means they are kickass developers (and they are) or that developers didn’t put a whole lot of faith in the N64. This is changing with the new system as it uses discs and is very easy to program (probably one of the most widely criticized points of the N64 was that it was a bitch to program). Take a look at the various links at the bottom of this article to see release schedules.

Nintendo designed the Gamecube to be a great gaming system period. They decided not to go the route that Microsoft and Sony took and add DVD playback capability to the system instead using mini-DVD’s. This in turn protects their investments by making it more difficult to pirate their games, makes a smaller unit that produces less heat, and allows them to sell the machine for less money. While some might argue that it would have been a good thing if they added DVD support, Sony has had problems with their DVD support (which is available out of the box) and it is yet to be seen how the XBox (which requires a $30 DVD kit to enable the feature) fares. By and large, a real DVD player will offer better support for a larger range of DVD’s and will offer more features as well. So I don’t think this is an issue. However, Nintendo is licensing the GCN platform to Matsushita, mother of such companies as Panasonic, Technics, and JVC. Panasonic is currently shipping a machine in Japan called “Q” that is a Gamecube, fancied up with some really nice DVD playback features (unlike anything on the PS2 or Xbox) as they actually crammed a real DVD player in the box with the game system. It’s going for about $320 in Japan, and it is currently unknown whether or not we’ll see it in the US. You can buy a mod’d (so it can play any region DVD’s) Q from Lik-Sang, but it’ll cost you about $500 (that’s the cost of their modification, and their surcharge on the import) so you’ll have to save your pennies.

A lot has been made of the various machines controllers. Microsoft introduced the Cadillac of controllers with the Xbox. I say this not because it necessarily has the quality of a Cadillac, but because it is almost the size of one. They were designed to fit the hands of the older (teen to adult) gamer. The Playstation 2 uses the old, but highly functional Dual Shock controller that they released late into the PS1’s run. The Dual Shock is just about right for most people’s hands and is a favorite for players of sporting games. When Nintendo went to the drawing board for a new controller they examined the simplicity of the Dual Shock and the snagged the best parts of the N64’s (huge) controller and put them into one. What resulted is a simple and very comfortable controller that is a joy to use. You can play Rogue Leader for hours on this thing without your hands aching or looking down to try to find the damn trigger button or the joystick (ala N64). Nintendo has clearly learned from past mistakes.

The Gamecube has some nifty future accessories that are planned, like a modem and an Ethernet port. No word yet on when those will be available. I predict this year we will see some very interesting competition in online console gaming. Phantasy Star Online and a version of Final Fantasy are going to be available later on in 2002. Microsoft threw an ethernet port on the back of the Xbox so that you can get online and start playing games ASAP. While they haven’t officially launched a gaming network, people are already playing with a nifty hack that was created, requiring you to hook your Internet equipped PC up to the Xbox. Sony is talking about their online gaming, but haven’t officially announced anything either. Nintendo (as usual) is being silent about their plans for online gaming until they are ready to squeal. Perhaps they will use Sega’s old SegaNet, if that even exists anymore?

Something that sets the Xbox apart from the PS2 and GCN is that it includes a hard disk drive that can be used for saving games, ripping CD’s and for speedier access to various gaming features that would take longer to grab from the disc. While the PS2 can use a laptop style hard drive, their is still no known built-in game support for such an upgrade, and the GCN could have an HDD, but it would require a proprietary Nintendo style drive (and also has no known built-in game support). All three systems can use memory cards to store saved games, statistics and settings.

Of course, as the cliché goes, and we at MvsR love cliché‘s, “It’s not the hardware, it’s the games.” Well I have to take a slight exception to that… Mostly because if it weren’t for new hardware, we wouldn’t see a lot of exciting new games being produced. Fancy hardware enables developers to create fancy games. If we weren’t interested in fancy games, we would all still be playing on our Atari 2600. While Defender was a great game, it wasn’t pretty. Game developers, like fanboy gamers have preferences as to what systems they like to use. The hardware has to be “cool” enough for them to deem it worthy to work on. Unfortunately Nintendo got a little bigheaded with their much more powerful N64 a few years back, and didn’t watch what they were doing as they alienated developers who moved to the less powerful but easier to program,  Sony Playstation. So now here we are years later in a gaming world dominated by Sony’s Playstation systems, which is a much different world than in the mid to late 80’s when Nintendo was rocking the gaming world with the NES. Another cliché states that there is only room for 2 systems in the market at the same time. The next few years will be interesting to watch to say the least.

The Games… Sony, as I mentioned above, currently dominates the market, claiming to have 700 some titles that will run on the PS2. Well, that is certainly impressive (aside from the fact that many of them are essentially the same game, with a different title), however it is widely reported to be a royal pain (ala N64) to program. Microsoft, the newbie to the console market has a fair share of games out as well, and fairly strong developer support. This is largely due to the fact that the Xbox is very similar to a PC, so porting games between the PC and the Xbox is pretty easy and that Microsoft is eager to sign developers up to make a dent in the market. The Gamecube is also based on PC hardware (of a sort) and is easy to program, which should mean that games should be available faster. The big hope is that developers will come back from, as Nintendo fanboys would say, “The Dark Side”, that is Sony. Nintendo is playing catch-up now, and is eager to win back the developers they alienated. Will we see SquareSoft come back to Nintendo (Nintendo banned them when Square didn’t play nice on a deal the big N and them had) so that we can see Final Fantasy X on the GCN? Perhaps. It is rumored that the old FF series will be making there way to the GCN in a “Chronicles” format. Nintendo also has a bad rap for having a lot of ‘kiddy’ and ‘family’ games. While this is partially true, they have defined their audience as young kids, and adults. Teenagers sometimes feel a little slighted with Nintendo’s releases. This may also change with the GCN as Nintendo is getting a lot of developers that are known for their more mature titles. What it all comes down to is the fact that Nintendo badly needs some real killer 3rd party gamers back.  [All in all, and this is for all systems, I’m tired of all of these Japanese games with weird stories about alien ghosts with laser eyes who stole the secret to the perfect flushing toilet (SquareSoft…  look for new writers, and please, let us skip the monotonous animations!).  It’s getting old, and weird.]

I think the last thing I want to discuss in this article is price. It’s one of the major factors of all American shoppers. America is the land of Wal-Mart’s and Costco’s. Quality? Bleh! Cheap? Yeah!  I believe that is the American motto (with a possible addendum of “Osama is a big weenie”). Anyway, the price of each system: The Playstation 2 and Xbox go for $299 each and the Gamecube sells for $199. The Gamecube is at a real advantage here with a price point well below its competitors, especially in these financially challenged (look ma, I’m bein’ PC, daar!) times. Games for each system cost on average about $50.

As Criswell would say “We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future.” Oh, the truth, is so… true. Anyway, who knows who’ll win the console wars? Sony is leading the race, Microsoft is new to the game, and Nintendo (a sleeping giant?)  is playing catch-up. It will be interesting. But while the pundits sit around picking apart who’s winning and losing, I’ll be playing Super Monkey Ball with content. In the end, all that counts is that you have fun with whatever system (even if it is still an Atari 2600) you’ve got, right? Oops. I guess the article is a little larger than my standard quickie… =)

Bottom Line: 5 out of 5 Monkeys.
It’s a great gaming system and that’s all.  What more do you want?!

What other MvsR staff members think:
Croc Hunter: Flibberin’ dunny!  I can’t agree more about them weird Japanese games.  I won’t play another one until they release a new version of Bayou Billy!

Captain Subtlety: I don’t know.  What do you guys think is the best?  I’ll agree with you guys.

 

Resources:
Nintendo
IGN Cube
Planet Gamecube
CoreMagazine.com
GameSpot: Gamecube
Anandtech Gamecube Hardware Review

up down up down left right

left right b a select start

The ‘80s gave us a feel-good story of people who hunted ghosts; the so-called “Ghost-Busters.? Ever since then the movie going audience has asked for… nay, demanded… nay, required a similar feel-good movie about vampire hunters. This, my friends, is that movie.

James Woods and Danny Baldwin (affectionately known as the Fat Baldwin) are the leaders of a zany group of vampire hunters that also include Fat Slacker, Indian and Priest. They are a miserable group of monster hunters despite having an arsenal of stakes, crosses and pulleys (to drag vampires into the sunlight with of course). The opening scene has the 10 or so hunters getting their asses kicked by a few vampires. Only their perseverance and downright stupid luck gives them victory this day….

This luck doesn’t last though. They celebrate their victory by getting drunk and watching hookers get naked. Oh no, the Indian is drunk and breaking things! Watch out folks, he might start gambling next! Gotta love those Hollywood stereotypes. This hedonous party is soon crashed by Valeric the first and most powerful of all vampires. He sorta looks like a bigger version of Marilyn Manson, but don’t let that fool you, it takes him only 2 minutes to slaughter every one of the vampire hunters (except Woods and Baldwin) and their sluts. To add insult to injury, Valeric turns one of the floozies into a vampire by biting her thighs. She enjoys this for some reason.

Baldwin and Woods respond by running away and hiding in a motel. Not very brave of them, but pretty intelligen… Oh, wait, scratch that; they also decide to be morons and take the Vampire hooker with them. Apparently she can see what Valeric sees so they can gather clues to some sort of vampire world-dominating scheme that’s going on. (Surrre…in fact this is a miserable excuse so Fat Baldwin can tie her to a bed naked cuz vampires are virtually powerless when naked or something). Baldwin is left to watch her, and Woods goes to the Vatican to chill with a cardinal.

The cardinal is played by none other than SEAN CONNERY! WOW! This is amazing, and I think this movie just earned itself another star. Oh, but wait, there’s more… George Lucas plays a priest. Nifty keen. In this amazing scene we find out that the Vatican pays for a worldwide organization of those wacky vampire hunters. I was guessing the secret benefactors would be Freemasons or Elks, but I guess the “Church” makes more sense. Religious people think drinking blood is wrong… except when it’s Christ’s blood (if you don’t believe me read the bible). Connery hands Lucas over to Woods to be his personal boy wonder, and we’re off.

The long trip back from the Vatican allows for Lucas-priest to give us some really quick exposition. He tells Woods the stupid origin of Valeric (a reverse exorcism!) as well as Woods’ secret origin (his parents were killed by a vampire….stupid stupid stupid). And, yes… a plot finally materializes (halfway through the movie). Valeric is trying to steal a black cross from a monastery that will make him and his legion of goths unstoppable. Or as Woods so eloquently puts it, “Unstoppable unless we stop him.”

Things turn sour when vampire slut bites Fat Baldwin, Sean Connery sides with Valeric to capture the black cross, and James Woods gets tied to a cross. Oh no, now the world will be truly and ungodly overrun with vampires! There is no hope! Oh no! Whatever will happen? I won’t spoil the ending by telling you that the good guys win.

At first I thought John Carpenter was some sort of messiah figure, because his last name is carpenter, which surely alludes to Joseph, the carpenter father of Jesus. Then I typed “John Carpenter” into Google and found out he directed Escape from L.A., Halloween H20 and Starman. So why the hell does he get his name in the title? Even good directors usually refrain from doing that. Shame on you Mr. Carpenter. I waggle my finger in your general direction.

The highlight of this film is definitely George Lucas’ acting debut. I think he’s stuck to directing since, but he’s fabulous in this. I especially love the very hetero male bonding he has with James Woods. They continually talk about what gives them “woodies” and makes them “stiff.” Oh George, you wacky priest.

I’ll not complain about a stupid plot, lousy pacing and dumb dialog. It’s all there but I’m not feeling witty enough to rip on the movie much more. My big gripe is that the “stars” are “unconvincing” “good guys”. Lousy lousy hunters… no wonder vampires have been around 600 years. They’re screwups, plain and simple….they get distracted, they get their ass kicked and their decision making skills are poor at best. I bet they also had lousy SAT grades too. Woods can sort of get away with portraying a tough guy, but Fat Baldwin sure can’t. Fatty Baldwin. Chubsy Ubsey Baldwin. He’s not a big rugged surly fat guy, nuh-uh. He’s got a chubby baby face. I wouldn’t run away from him in a fight, I’d be compelled to pinch his cheeks and say “awwww,.cute”. Then I’d pat him on the head, give him a candy cane and send him on his way. Yessir.

-Future

Bottom Line:

Twor of five monkeys!

Vampires is fun, unpretentious and much better than Daughters of Darkness. That’s about the nicest things I can say about it. Like they say; “If you can’t say anything nice, stop watching the movie and drink some scotch.” So that is what I will now do.

What our staff thinks:
Tobita: Once is Tobita to fighting with evil Vampire Valeric in center of circle squared. Truly then Tobita has find weakness in vampires not cross or sunlight! Is Tobita Atomic Piledriver!!! Vampire hunters now should use that instead. Much better works. Yup. Yeah!!!!

Warhol: It’s certainly something…. that’s what I said to myself when I saw that Valeric person flying around.. very exciting… very interesting… it’s not at all what you would expect to see when you wake up in the morning… unless maybe you’re not feeling well… yes, I’d say.

Captain Obvious: I saw this movie… pretty cool. mmm… I mean it wasn’t the greatest, but it was pretty cool… mmm.

Hollywood Denney: This article is great! I’m giving The Future a 50% raise!

More Information:

John Carpenter filmography
A not so nice review
A sequel…with Bon Jovie