pop-culture for the people

Hey kids!  Think smoking is cool?!  Boy is it!  Well now you can enjoy smoking 35 times more than normal with this instructuctional article.  Mmmm…  Tastes like cancer!

Bob, we’re gonna miss ya.  Not just a ‘funny guy’, but a true entertainer.  And your you stupid kids out there who don’t know who he is, go out and rent one of his movies.  I’d recommend one of his old Bing Crosby buddy movies myself, like Road to Bali.

Napster 2.0: Coming Soon.  Some say that online music ain’t where it’s at this year.  I myself think that this year we will see a few other sources aside from Apple’s iTunes and BuyMusic’s systems and next year we’ll see 4 or 5 different big sources all trying to buy each other up…  I fear that what will end up happening is that online music will eventually become priced and licensed in such a way that it just could end up being the same or even worse than store bought discs.  At least with store bought discs you can still burn the disc as much as you want for your own needs like mix cd’s, which most of these services offer in very limited ways if at all.  Well, aside from some crudtastic, lawyer approved, copyprotected discs.  Even worse, many of the media formats are OS specific…  At least we still have radio!  Oh wait.  Yeah, that sucks too, thanks to Clear Channel and Infinity buying up all of the nation’s stations and pumping out canned drek.  And now, a public service announcement: support your local, independent bands and radio stations (even the pirate stations!).  Thank you.

I hate the gov’t!  No wait, I love it!  Aww crap, I dunno.  I hate everything.  Yep.  Mmmhmmm.  Especially the Intarweb.

Cool Beans: Get your virus scanning on, free., Robot desert racers, Lord of the Rings: The War of the games, NES Goes Under The Knife.  How Do You Get Work Done?, Alyson Hannigan Gallery, Favorite Scifi Swear words, Dorks discuss the merits of nudity in movies, Wearing a Tie May Cause Blindness!  Hussein brothers get a makeover, Family Guy videoclips, Iron Chef Compendium, Creepy statues (nsfw), Paper Robot.  Lawrence of Arabia Factfile.

You’ve gotta check this out auction out.  Lots of *great* Scifi memorabilia.  Here’s some other smart finds, courtesy of Bidboy: FAKE BOOBS BOSOM BREAST PLATE, Harrison Ford pistol from Blade Runner, ADULT GORILLA COSTUME FULL SUIT - HALLOWEEN, Original Gumby Claymation Characters, DISNEY ADULT PINOCCHIO COSTUME w/HAT NWT!.

Interesting…:

Depp To Head to the Chocolate Factory?
Johnny Depp has become the surprise front-runner to play Willy Wonka in the remake of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. Filmmaker Tim Burton was originally said to be deciding between Christopher Walken - who worked with Burton in Sleepy Hollow - and Michael Keaton - his star in Batman: Returns and Beetlejuice - for the role. But the success of Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl and past collaborations with Burton now has Hollywood sources putting Depp at the front of the race. The highly anticipated movie begins filming next year for a 2005 release.

God I hate Hollywood:

Dame Liz’s Groundkeeper Sues for Sexual Assault
Hollywood legend Dame Elizabeth Taylor is being sued by her ex- groundskeeper - who claims he was fired for refusing to have sex with her male butler. Willem Van Muyden, who worked for the star for 13 years before his dismissal last September, alleges the star’s house manager Jean-Luc Lacquement sexually assaulted him. Van Muyden says Lacquement told him “he was having sexual relations” with Taylor but was, “having a difficult time getting sexually aroused in order to service Taylor’s sexual needs.” He then recommended Viagra to the butler and on 27 July 2002 Lacquement said he “had to jump the old trampoline” - referring to Taylor - but still felt “good and horny”. The papers, lodged in Los Angeles Superior Court, claim Lacquement then simulated a sex act and felt up Van Muyden, before being pushed away. The groundskeeper says he was fired by Taylor because of his reaction to the incident, although she says he was sacked for employing illegal immigrants and for threatening members of her household. Van Muyden is suing Lacquement for sexual harassment and discrimination, and is seeking $249,159 as money owed for landscaping services. Taylor is also implicated in the suit as Lacquement’s employer.

Well I hope to soon install the latest version of pmachine.  It has some nice new features that won’t be too readily apparent to you guys, but there are a few things that will help me out.  I’d also like to get on the ball updating the store among other things, like the Doom Patrol section.  Let’s see, other than that, I’m moving on the 15th, Northward (not ‘From The North!’, but only me and about 6 other people would get that reference.).  So that’ll be nifty.  Bliggity blooblah.  I’m tired.  I’m sure someone will find the time to write some ‘witty’ diatribe here, so I’ll leave you to it.  ‘night.

Here’s a chat system for MvsR if ya want to use it.  It’s Java though, so it sucks generally.  But do whatever with it for all I care…

Top Story!

World’s Most Sickeningly Cute Reporter Katie Couric says “Check your poopshoot regularly for assrot!”  Thanks Katie!  Thank God I’m not a morning person because I can’t stand looking at you.

In other news…

One thing that pisses me off to no end is that videogame companies can’t figure out for the life of themselves how to make games for women.  No, not girly Barbie games, but stuff girls and women can enjoy.  And I don’t mean like this.

Why I hate the Intarweb: Reason #2390 and Reason #3602.  As promised, here are a few other examples of Why I hate Japan: Reason #2893906, Reason #298209.  Why I hate crazed religious weirdos: Your Computer = Satan.  Why I hate people in general: Reason #89319.

Stuff I love: Nintendo’s NES turns 20, Family Guy, Still Crazy After All These Years, Bullshido: Martial Arts Discussion, Geocaching, Real World: A Review, The Mystery of Britney’s Breasts, Preserving VHS Recordings For Another 20 Years?, Robots.

Comics…

The Unh! Project: A Collection of Gutteral Moans from comics, Mickey Mouse Trying to Commit Suicide, CO-CREATOR ALFRED GOUGH TALKS SMALLVILLE, UNCANNY ARTIST, RON GARNEY, AGENT X DORKIN, MIKE ALLRED SINKS TEETH INTO MR. GUM, ELEPHANTMEN: LADRONN AND STARKINGS.

If you missed it…

NPR Interviews: Allan Moore, COMAn: 20 Years Later, The Yugo is back!  Scorsese to produce mini series for SciFi, The Disappearance of Saturday Morning, Craptacular Matrix 2 On DVD before Revolutions, Fall down go boom, The Sims: Making Magic, Paper shredding ain’t what it used to be.

Movies/TV news…

OH GOD PLEASE STRIKE THESE PAGANS DOWN WITH YOUR MIGHTY SWORD OF INTERGALACTIC JUSTICE.

NBC May Spin Off ‘Friends’ Character Joey
Matt LeBlanc is likely to star in a Friends spinoff based on his Joey Tribbiani character when the long-running sitcom finally fades after next season, published reports said today (Monday). The Hollywood Reporter reported that negotiations are “accelerating” between NBC and Warner Bros. TV on the one hand and LeBlanc on the other. Meanwhile, today’s New York Times said that NBC plans to present several all-time-favorite Friends episodes, voted on by viewers, during the coming season, which will consist of only 18 original episodes versus a typical season’s 24.

I love it.  I wish he cut my ears off and poured gasoline all of my head so I wouldn’t have to listen to Sean’s idiotic political crap.  Love both of them as actors, but there does seem to be a ring around that particular gene pool…

Sean Penn’s Brother Brawls with Midget
Sean Penn’s actor brother Chris Penn was booted out of hip Hollywood spot the Skybar - for fighting with a midget. The Reservoir Dogs star was involved in a brutal punch-up with a much smaller man, according to American tabloid the National Enquirer. The paper reports that after drinking with pals at the poolside, 5 foot 10 inch tall Chris was fighting through the crowd of patrons when he collided with a man who measured just 3 foot 5 inch. The publication quotes a source as saying, “Four-letter words exchanged, then they started pounding each other - and the midget ended up in the pool. It was surreal… Chris, who weighs over 200 pound, savaging this tiny man!” As guards dragged him away, he reportedly roared, “Let me knock out that midget!” before his opponent spat, “F*** you and your entire family, loser!” Onlookers say a furious Chris was swiftly ejected from the hotspot.

If you missed it…

And Now For Something Completely Different?
Former Monty Python star Eric Idle is due to direct and co-star in Remains of the Piano, which he also wrote, Screen International reported today (Thursday). The British trade publication said that the spoof of costume drama Remains of the Day, which starred Anthony Hopkins, will star Geoffrey Rush in the lead role of Hopkins, a British aristocrat. The cast list is provocative in itself: Orlando Bloom is playing a character named Daniel Day Lewis. Patrick Stewart will appear as Obie Ben Kingsley. Alfred Molina will play Mussolini. Anjelica Huston’s character is Countess Von Kunst and Idle himself plays Frank the Mover.

Buscemi Arrested in Fire Station Protest
Quirky character actor Steve Buscemi has been arrested during a protest over the closure of a New York fire station. The star, best known for off-beat films like The Big Lebowski, Fargo and Reservoir Dogs, locked elbows with politicians in an attempt to keep the city from closing one of its oldest firehouses. The 45-year-old, who worked as a firefighter from 1980 to 1984, calls the closures “irresponsible” and “dangerous”, adding, “This is compromising the safety of all the communities where the firehouses are closing.” Opened in 1855, Engine 204’s firehouse bears the letters ‘BFD engine 4’, dating from the late 18th century, when Brooklyn was a separate city to New York and horses that pulled the steam pumper were stabled across the street. City officials have justified the closings, expected to save $7 million a year, by saying population shifts have made the firehouses unnecessary, and that emergency response times, measured in seconds, will not be slowed.

God suggests investing in an answering machine:

‘Bruce Almighty’ Leaves Woman with Hellish Torment
Jim Carrey’s new comedy Bruce Almighty has caused a Florida woman to suffer constant harassment - because her number was given out in the movie as a direct line to God. In the film, Carrey stars as a regular guy who receives the powers of God - played by Morgan Freeman - after complaining too much about life. God tries to reach Bruce Nolan, Carrey’s character, by repeatedly leaving a phone number on his pager. But instead of the usual 555 prefix most TV shows and films use in phone numbers, God’s number is Pinellas Park glassmaker Dawn Jenkins’ mobile phone number. Jenkins, who has been getting about 20 calls per hour, with callers asking for God before hanging up complains, “What am I to do? I e-mailed Universal Studios about this issue… I think I want payment.” Jenkins isn’t alone in her plight. The number on Carrey’s pager also matches the one to a South Carolina woman who says she’s been “getting aggravated to death” by the incessant calling. It also matches the number for a call center to a group of five Colorado talk-radio stations. Ron Nickel, senior vice president for the Radio Colorado Network, says, “My receptionist is going to go crazy.”

Dali and Disney were definitely smoking crack back then…

Dali-Disney Movie Makes Its 60-Year-Delayed Debut
Sixty years after it was conceived, a film representing the collaboration of Walt Disney and surrealist artist Salvador Dali has debuted at the International Animated Film Festival in Annecy, France. The film includes a 17-second sequence that was completed by Dali himself when he worked at the Disney studios in Burbank, CA in the mid-1940s. The rest of the film was created from sketches and storyboards that he produced, together with Fantasia animators John Hench and Bob Cormack, before the project was abandoned. Britain’s Scotsman newspaper quoted festival director Serge Bromberg as saying that the completed film had given Disney back “a bit of its history.”

That’s it for now you jerks.  Go find me a job so I can buy beer and twizzlers like my neighbor Phil Lumpkin.  He sits around all day and watches the Speed channel.  Yeah, he’s awesome, but his house smells like a catbox.  Oh yeah, and he’s 400 pounds and ride around on a Rascal scooter.  Where do you get those things anyway?

While writing this article I’ve been having some issues trying to make sure it doesn’t come off racially offensive.  You see, I have no problem with the Japanese race at all.  I just have a problem with their whacko culture (Don’t get me wrong, all is not Leave It To Beaver here as we too have a pretty messed up culture, but that’s another article altogether!).  Growing up I used to marvel at all of the weird and wonderful things that came this way from across the pond.  Now however, when I see many of Japan’s exports, I wonder, “What kind of dragon were they chasing?”  Don’t know what I mean?  Let’s give this kamikaze culture a gander.

From toys, to TV, to strange sex fetishes, Japan has exported some of the world’s most bizarre cultural icons and styles.  If Power Rangers weren’t enough to make you want to castrate yourself, then I suppose I will have to dig deeper to prove this my point.  Take Hello Kitty, a strange creation of the 60’s that I suppose came from the mind of an Asian hippy.  That is not to even mention the kind of weird crap the cat has been plastered on, like the famous Hello Kitty Vibrator.

In fact, the Japanese have taken to plastering their weird culture on just about everything.  Like the cluttered downtown Tokyo, they leave nothing untouched.  They target our children with insidious images of tentacle rape in their “anime” movies like Goborun ½: Last Xanth of Bolgar.  Sure, I love giant flying robots just as much as the next guy, but jeeze, do all of the bug eyed sailor girls have to act so annoying while being fondled by alien bogmonsters?  Another thing I’ve always wondered about is how the hell do the kids in Final Island Star VIII: Last Ninja Element Dynasty 2: Burokai Melee Edition get those crazy lasers to shoot out of their eyes?  And, how do they manage to pick up and fight with swords that are twice their own size?  I suppose physics takes a different form in Japan.  Must be some kind of cosmic rays from that rising sun or something.  I’d also like to note that just about every RPG that has come from Japan that has had any fanboy frothing at the mouth like a hydrophobic dog has a storyline that is as deep as a murky puddle of mud and about as meaningful.  Japanese videogame scriptwriting could just as easily be written by a room of retarded chimps banging on a broken keyboard in hopes of a treat.  The longer and more bizarre the story, the better.

“Oh No!  Captain Vordak has the Zord of Destiny!  We can not let him escape!”

“You will give me the Zord of Destiny so that I can complete my plans to link the Chaos Crystals and bring forth Ultimo Gobotron!  Muhahhahahah!!!”

“You will fail Vordak, for you are no match for the power of my laser-axe, The Xor!”

“No, not The Xor!  Ahhhh!”

(The above scene has been heard in just about every RPG or Anime movie ever made.)

When I was a kid I thought Voltron (Lion Voltron, the better known one) was the coolest thing around.  I even bought with my own money (earned from taking out the trash.  I wonder how many kids first job was being a garbageman?) the Voltron set and received the other, lesser known, Vehicle Voltron series for a birthday present.  What was it about Voltron that I loved so much?  Hell if I know.  But I bought into it.  Magical robotic cats that destroy evil and all.  There is a certain viral effect their toys have on us.  I’d go out and buy another set right now if I had the money.  They have programmed me with their seizure inducing strobe lights and meaningless doubletalk.  Perhaps it is all the flashing LED’s they put on everything that has programmed me to buy Buy BUY!  Move on over Madison Avenue fat cats, Japan is in da hizzie!

For a society of short little men armed with Karate, they do seem to feel the need to emasculate themselves with their poison blowfish and endangered whale and shark fishing.  All the sushi in the world served by cute geisha girls at an authentic tea ceremony couldn’t make up for a single episode of Pokemon.  And what is it with hyper-sexualizing prepubescant girls?  I mean, sure we’ve got Britney Spears, but if she were Japanese, she’d have been “not that innocent” at 8.  I won’t even go into their fascination with Bukkake and even stranger things.  No, that isn’t tea she’s drinking…  Their designer SARS masks and tiny cellphones (both cute and annoying) make my head spin.  Thank God I don’t work for one of their screwy companies designing these things where I have to sing the corporate song and dance everyday Dance Dance Revolution style before I go home and sleep in my cubicle apartment with a video camera in my hi-tech toilet for perfect fecal-remnant removal.  I’d rather commit seppuku than have my ass broadcast on Japan’s National Toilet Channel, thank you very much!

Of course Japan has a number of great things too.  Lots of cool electronics have come from there.  Sony and Nintendo are based there.  My Honda Civic comes from Japan.  Ninjas and Samurai are from Japan as is The Iron Chef.  Godzilla (Gojira to you wacky Japanese folks) comes from Japan.  I can only assume he understands what I’m talking about when he leaves a trail of carnage in Tokyo.  Sumo and crazy Tobita-style wrestling comes from there too.  Mmmm, sushi comes from there.  But I ask you, does all of this make up for just one Hello Kitty Vibrator?  I don’t know.  But I think the rich Japanese culture as a whole needs a punch in the balls all the same.  So to the “Land of the Rising Sun”, I wouldn’t want to be like you.  Domo Arigato!

For more wacky Japanese stuff, make sure you read my occasional news updates found on the frontpage.

What Other Authors Say:

Tobita: Destroy All Monster!!!!!