pop-culture for the people

Here’s a bunch of random things that have been going through my mind lately, separated by paragraph…

War Crimes

I wonder if Bush could be tried for war crimes if it comes out that the he really did bring us into this war for his and his friends own political and monetary gain.  I would like to see one of the Democratic candidates get the guts to use that on their political campaign tours across the country.  I know that would get my vote.  I can understand wanting to go after Saddam as I know he’s a scumbag, however I still don’t think it was done for the right reasons at the right time.  I think it sets a precendent that, well…  I don’t think needed to be set.

Economy

How is it that the economy is supposedly doing so well yet I know so many folks who don’t have any money?  Or jobs?  Unlike the old comedy rule where if you say something over and over again it becomes funny, Bush and his cronies seems to think that if he keeps on insisting the economy is “doing peachy keen” it must be so.  I sure didn’t get away with that when I was in high school.  “My homework desevers an A.  It should get an A because I think it should.  Not because I have any proof or that I spent any real effort on it.  Oh and nevermind that I got some help from some old friends for last weeks homework.”

Voting

Why is it that half the people I know don’t vote yet they feel righteous when exerting their right to bitch about what goes on in our country?  You know in some countries voting is not an option, it is mandatory.  I don’t know if that would help things any, but jeeze smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.  By the way, why do we have a two party system?  It seems that in a country of millions it is kind of silly to have to pick between essentially two people.  200 years and the only diversity in presidents we’ve had is their accent.  No women, no minorities.  Nothing but rich old white guys.  The closest thing we’ve had to diversity in the White House is when Jefferson was getting it on with the help.  Instead of trying to “Pick A Winner”, why not pick the best man?  This isn’t Powerball, America.

Healthcare

How is it that we have a Republican in office and he doesn’t give a rats ass about healthcare?  Republicans by and large are older Americans.  You would think that these jerks would want to spend a few bucks on bandaids rather than bombs when they are all looking forward to years of worrying about breaking their hip at the bingo table.  Meanwhile our happily dull neighbors to the North enjoy free healthcare for all of their citizens.  Communism was for shit as history has told us, but at least one part of the ring around the toilet that was left over brought about a good idea.  Remember this the next time you wake up next to some skank in your dorm room who you have no idea who he or she is.  Especially when you run to the hospital to get the skank out of you and your HMO says, “Fuck off, you shot you’re wad, we’re not gonna shoot ours.”

Music

I’m sure you’ve been downloading mp3’s like made since Napster.  I know I have.  Then of course the RIAA went apeshit, like they do.  “Oh no, someone is giving our shitty CDs away.  Who told them that there was only 3 good songs out of 15 per CD?  Our secret is out!  How DARE they rip us off?!  That’s our job!”  Okay, so the RIAA isn’t as bad as the insurance industry (The insurance companies lobbied years ago so that in most states it is now illegal to not have car insurance.  What a great scam, huh?) suing 11 year olds for $20k is like putting your neighbors cat in the woodchipper for peeing on your roses.  So now we’ve got great new services like iTunes Music Store which allow you to download what you want, when you want it, legally.  However, there is a catch.  Each music service has a limited selection of tracks and their service agreements vary greatly.  Some allow you to burn songs to CD, some don’t.  What’s worse, they all use differing media formats.  Imagine going to the store and having to choose from 6 different videotape formats to watch a movie.  Right now, you have to have a multitude of different players to take advantage of the offerings of multiple stores.  I don’t like that I can’t play iTunes media on an Napster portable media player, or MusicMatch media on an iPod.  I don’t like Microsoft media (they’ve got their hands in too many kitchens) and I don’t like Real Media (they are mostly incompetent at writing stable and innovative software).  MP3 would be ideal, but that’s not gonna happen because even though it has the widest support of players, it has crap for copy protection, which in the end is what the RIAA went apeshit about in the first place.  I wish Apple’s QuickTime was better supported across many more platforms…

More Music

Oh and while we are on the subject of music stores, I think it would be pretty great to be able to buy stuff from MusicMatch Music Store from Buymusic.com or iTunes.  Why would a store want to allow their customers to buy from their competitors?  Well, because a one stop shop makes money.  Look at WalMart.  So what if they charge a little more on the sale, enough to cover their costs and make a little profit on the sale?  If I don’t have to do all of my music shopping in 6 different stores, with 6 different accounts and interfaces I’d pay a little extra for that.

Lazy People

How is it that my Grandmother can figure out how to use a computer, largely by herself, when folks half her age with 4 times as much money can’t figure out how to use a mouse?  When I was growing up my Grandmother’s VCR always blinked 12:00.  Yet somehow, when she had the interest she figured out how to use a computer, which is 30 times more complex than a VCR.  I really hate people that ask me to “help” them with a project on the computer when what they really want is for me to do it for them.  “The face I’m making should express to you that, No, I really don’t care why you can’t get your email on your laptop.  Instead you have read it to mean, Yes, I would love for you to ask me the same question again and again, slightly reworded each time so that you can tell me No again.”  Oh, and crying doesn’t work either.  Not that you won’t try it…

I’m sure something will happen that’ll piss me off by next week.  That’s it for this week…

It’s 2:00pm.  You’ve been standing for hours.  You’ll be standing for another five or more.  Everywhere you look, the sour faces of people who forget that you’re a human being and figure you’re some mindless automaton that knows nothing about anything.  You get yelled at for the nintieth time that day.  Small children scowl at you and throw sticky candies that are inevitably lodged in their new permanent home, your hair.  Old men ask you “What time you’re available” tonight.  You finally get to get away for awhile to eat something, and you hear an authoritative voice trailing behind you- “Come back in twenty minutes, we can’t afford to give you an hour.”  Yep, that’s my job!  I’m a retail drone.

As someone who is pursuing a career in the arts, I’m forced to find myself employment elsewhere while I train and finish up my schooling.  While living in a recycled refridgerator box and eating lint you’ve scraped out of the corner may work for part of the year, towards the winter it tends to not be as much of a picnic.  This will be a bi-monthly article that can be used as a resource for getting a job in the wacky world of corporate retail.  Doesn’t that sound fun?

So You Want to Work Retail.

Thanks to Georgie B, the economy is in the metaphorical toilet right now.  What does this mean for you?  If you’re an adult, it means some of you lose your original jobs and as a result take jobs that would normally be occupied by adolescents just to keep the family afloat.  Hey kids, isn’t it great to walk into McDonald’s and see your mom serving up burgers?  Thanks G.W!  The kids are now S.O.L. themselves for finding employment, as the jobs they would have normally applied for are being taken by their parents.  Yay!  Don’t worry though.  The smaller independant retail stores are always staffed by the same people who work endless hours a day just to save money and not hire extra help, or they’re part of a family business, so you can count them out.  Luckily, giant corporations have such a high turnover rate, that (with the exception of right after Christmas) they’ll pretty much hire anyone, anytime!

The Application Proccess.

Do you remember exactly when and where you started your first job, when you were 16, what you were wearing, who was your manager, what their phone number is, how much you made, and why you worked there?  Be prepared, because you’ll have to remember every little thing about your prior jobs for your application.  I can’t remember where I left my car keys let alone what day I started work back in 1995.  Luckily there’s a thing called a resume.  You won’t be formally needing it for the job you’re now possibly signing your life away to, but it does make a handy reference chart for when you fill out application after boring application.  Apply everywhere you can, so at least you’ll have somewhat of a choice of who gets to yell at you.

Waiting.

Your applications are all in?  Now, you wait.  No one ever calls back when they say they will.  Most times it takes weeks before they even look at your application.  However, you can now leave with the feeling of accomplishment.  You’ve done all you can, submitted the applications, talked to potential employers.  It’s their move now.  This is a very special time in your life.  You’ve made tons of progress in a short amount of time, and you can’t do anything but wait.  Now you can do nothing but play video games all day long 100% guilt free.  Enjoy!

-Ma!denD!saster

Next week:  The Interviews, Dress Code, and Your First Big Day!

Monkeys for Art
Art does not exist in a void. Inspiration must come from somewhere, something that strikes a chord in the artist’s mind, hands or soul.  Some choose to give physical form to raw emotions of love, hate, fear or joy. Others have been inspired by myth, by history, by dreams or by nature. But one thing binds together the most talented creators, one font of inspiration that appeals to the greatest of all artistic minds. I speak of that noble beast men call the monkey. Today we’ll explore how our hairy cousins have been portrayed through the ages. (For the purposes of this review we’ll be looking at chimps, baboons, gorillas, mandrills and any other hairy biped that has 90% or more of our DNA. The Lemur is not a monkey. They are wingless bats and a scourge of our society) (This work is IN PROGRESS) (Government grants welcome!)

Ancient Egypt
Egyptians held baboons in high esteem because these creatures raise their arms to the sun in the morning. This motion resembles a prayer, and since the sun used to be worshipped as the god Ra, baboons were considered religious monkeys. In reality, it has been discovered that baboons only reach out to the sun because they’re attempting to eat it, but the ancient Egyptians weren’t aware of this fact. Baboons are pictured here waving goodbye to the god Horus as he makes a leisurely travel into the afterlife.

Baboons are also associated with Thoth, the ibis (scrawny stork looking bird) headed god; god of literacy, writing and intellectual pursuit. Statuettes of baboons showed them in “deep thought mode”, contemplating the important things in life. Like how to get those hard-to-reach fleas on your back and eat them. The smart ‘lil guy pictured here is a faience statue from about 600 B.C. Monkeys are taken much less seriously and are usually depicted capering delightfully or stealing food. Statues showing monkeys wearing bracelets and necklaces denote that this a household pet. That’s right. Monkeys were sought-after pets and got beautiful gold jewelry for presents. Decadent Egyptians.

Among the animal-headed gods of Egypt there was at least one monkey I know of. Hapy, one of the gods of the Canoptic Jars. Hapy protects your organs in the afterlife. Yummy. Judging by his name, I assume he was also a god of happiness. I could be off base, but I can’t do any research right now since Mayor Bloomberg closed all of NYC’s public libraries. Sorry folks.

Aztec
1300s to 1519 (Cortes “converts” the Aztecs). Aztec artists portrayed the monkey as children of pleasure god Macuilxochitl, and believed the monkeys’ primary functions were 1. Being gluttonous and 2. Having hot monkey sex. It’s no wonder monkey’s were considered lustful, because an undiapered monkey will play with his (or her) junk all day long. In those primitive days before the invention of the diaper, much monkey masturbation occured. Monkeys are sexually aroused by almost anything, even Star Jones. In the Aztec calendar the Monkey is one of the signs you can be born under. Monkeys are intelligent and talented, yet remain lazy nogoodniks. They may get a call from an old friend this week.

Albrecht Durer
Durer was a renowned woodcut print artist, and most of his subjects dealt with religious themes, rather commonplace practice for the day. There is one print by Durer, Madonna with the Monkey, 1500 whose meaning remains shrouded in mystery. My theory is that Durer was just sick of carving plate after plate of plain old Virgin Mary pictures and decided to spice things up with a monkey. Monkeys make everything better. The monkey worshipping at Virgin Mary’s feet actually kinda looks like a cat, or a raccoon. Is this a horrifying vision of the future, a future overrun with super-intelligent hybrid simians/raccoons who shoot psionic blasts and subjugate humanity? Perhaps. Other printmakers who liked monkeys include Israel van Meckenem and Pisanello.

Pieter Bruegel
Two Monkeys, 1562. Two chained sad little guys look out at the Netherlandish harbor town of Antwerp. Theories differ as to the meaning of this painting, but the one I like is that it represents’ Bruegel’s sense of being “chained” by oppressive Spanish rule. You see the monkey represents Bruegel and the chain represents a chain. Some art historians say that the hazlenuts laying at the monkeys’ feet represent petty wordliness that they traded their freedom for. The fact is that art historians just make stuff up as they go along. What a job if you can get it. The monkeys look off to happier lands and freedom, but alas they cannot escape their bonds. Even if they could monkeys can’t swim across the sea.

Rembrant van Rijn
1606?-1669 It was reported that Rembrant had a pet monkey that he loved dearly. When the monkey passed away (from cirrhosis probably, monkey see monkey do. That Rembrant. Glug, glug. If you get my drift) Rembrant painted the monkey into the only canvas at hand…a commissioned family portrait. The family decided they didn’t want a flyblown monkey corpse in their portrait and refused to pay Rembrant for his work. But what did the Flemish master care for money without a monkey? Ah. Aha.

Francisco Goya
Los Caprichos 1799. Goya used animals to represent different factions of human society. In Los Caprichos, a portfolio of some 80 prints, Goya aired his complaints against Spanish society. The donkey always stood for aristocracy, and monkeys usually portrayed artists and musicians. Goya was formerly a court painter, and he came to feel like a trained monkey performing for the jackasses (Plate 41-Neither More Nor Less). Of course the bright little monkeys know they are the more sophisticated and the more able to rule. One day they will rise up and bring freedom to the masses. Viva la revolucion!

-Future

Coming soon… El Greco! Jeff Koons!

Sources
Aztec Art by Esther Paztory
Bruegel by Wolfgang Stechow
Egypt-People, Gods, Pharaohs by Rose-Marie & Rainer Hagen
The Metropolitan Museum of Art Bulletin Spring 1995
Rembrandt-Master of the Portrait by Pascal Bonafoux