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Art for Monkeys:
Ver-more on Vermeer by Aperturius

After a much too long hiatus, Art for Monkeys is back and better than ever. Of course, that’s not saying much, but I’m proud of it anyway! This time we travel a long way back to the 17th century to visit a Dutch guy who, despite the infamy his artwork has achieved, probably still wore one of those funny hats when he was alive: Johannes Vermeer. Or Jan, to his friends.

Jan Vermeer (1632-1675) produced, as far as we can tell, about 35 paintings in his lifetime. And many of these were extremely tiny; probably not much larger than the computer screen you’re reading this on. To top it all off, most of his scenes were set in the exact same corner of a room, with only props, models, and quality of light through the window changing between paintings. Yet, Vermeer has become the most famous of all the Dutch painters, next to Rembrandt. Why? Because everyone loves a mystery, man.

Not much is known about Vermeer’s life. We know he was an art dealer in Delft, his hometown. He married Catharina Bolnes in 1653 and then moved in with his mother-in-law, where he lived the rest of his life with his wife and eleven kids. He then followed the Artist’s Rulebook and died poor and depressed. Past that, heh, it’s anybody’s guess.

Tracy Chevalier’s novel Girl with a Pearl Earring (also a movie starring Scarlett Johansson) has produced a newfound interest in Vermeer’s work lately. This, despite the fact that the book is a complete work of fiction and we still have no idea who that tasty girl in the turban really is. She’s the Mona Lisa for people who don’t want to stand in line at the Louvre for three long hours to see the Mona Lisa. Those who study art history understand that the girl is probably one of two things: either the wife or mistress of a wealthy patron, or a mistress of Vermeer who became the wife or mistress of a wealthy patron. Art and sex are like salt and pepper; it’s rare to find one without the other.

Many of Vermeer’s paintings, delicate and beautiful though they may be, are based on a theme seen often in art: naughty girls thinking about sex. On many of his canvases you’ll see women being fed wine by men who have the slight air of Snidely Whiplash about them. In some, women are reading love-letters from men who certainly ain’t their husbands. And Vermeer even pokes fun at the Dutch Protestant importance of purity by seating women at a musical instrument called a “virginal.” I suppose the name sounded better than “slutziphone” or something. Even more subtle touches include things like a “footwarmer,” which is a little box you’d have kept by your feet and put hot coals in. You can see one of these in the painting, The Milkmaid. Believe it or not, at the time the painting was made most people would have made the connection with the footwarmer to a vagina. Yep. A vagina. To me it’s like comparing an electric stove to a nipple, but I don’t live in the 17th century, now do I?

But there were tons of other Dutch painters doing the same kinds of scenes at this time, so what makes Vermeer’s paintings more prized? Well, Vermeer had an uncanny knack at really showing off light. The light that comes through the windows looks natural, makes the models and props sparkle, and all-around just looks purty. Plus, it’s now widely accepted that Vermeer was one of the first artists to make good use out of a “camera obscura.” This nifty contraption was the precursor to the film camera, but since film hadn’t been invented yet, the “photographer” had to trace on paper what he saw through the ground glass on the back. Just like today’s cameras, some of the scene would have been slightly out of focus, and if you look at the paintings very carefully you can see sections that are “blurry.” If Vermeer hadn’t been so good at accurately depicting color and light, most art historians today would probably just accuse him of cheating by using this tool. Instead, he’s regarded as a genius. And why not? Girl With a Pearl Earring is one of my favorite paintings ever made. The book is pretty good, and the movie sucks. Let’s hope it doesn’t turn into a sitcom.