pop-culture for the people

“If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.”

“Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.”

“Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.”

These are just some of the things Chuck Norris is known for.  He’s a world champion Karate expert, Air Force Air Policeman, 80’s action movie star, fake Texas Ranger, internet meme and homophobic card-carrying-NRA intelligent design loving douchebag.  He was also the hero in a little known and little remembered 80’s videogame called Chuck Norris Superkicks.

Long before Mike Tyson was attached to Punchout!!  Chuck Norris was featured in Chuck Norris Superkicks.  It was 1983, the height of Norris’ action movie career just before The Delta Force came out.  You played Chuck on an epic quest to rescue a monk held hostage in an ancient monastery by an evil cabal of ninjas whom you you must save before time runs out or else you both die.  During his quest you acquire fighting skills in the form of belts starting out as a white belt and ending up as a black belt (signified by the color of the bottom of your screen.).

Given you have a mere 6 minutes to go from a white belt to black belt and defeat the ninjas it’s not entirely clear who exactly who administers the belt distribution so we are left to assume Chuck Norris is also a skilled textile worker.  Probably something he picked up during his time in Korea.

Your quest begins on a dirt path heading into the hills towards the monastery.  Along the way you will fight various bandits and ronin intent on stopping you or at least slowing you down.  Everything sounds great so far, right?  Well not so much.  The story line, befitting early Steven Seagal films (before he went environmental), is about the only thing good about this “game”.

On the road you often have to choose between two paths, one is right and the other is wrong adding to your overall time to defeat the end boss.  There is no hint of the proper path, just a roll of the dice.  Over and over you will select the wrong path on your quest only having to backtrack (Steven Seagal would probably get all Zen right about now).  It is the videogame equivalent of having to stop at every redlight in a racing game.

In addition to the various belts you will need to acquire the patience of Jane Goodall teaching a retarded chimpanzee how to get the jellybeans.  The controls are absolutely awful and take a great deal of time to get used to.  There is a noticeable lag in response leaving you to look like you are playing one of those drunk-driving simulators you see at the state fair.  The horrible controls and seemingly random chance assigned when you actually hit an opponent make this game frustratingly difficult.  Eventually you learn to compensate but even then the collision detection is iffy at best and your frustration will mount as you get beat on by random jobbers.

You are equipped with four moves thrust kick, punch, block and the somersault superkick.  I’ve seen Chuck Norris do many a roundhouse but I’m not sure I’ve seen him do a somersault superkick in real life.  Unlike many of you reading this I’ve seen more than my fair share of Chuck Norris in real fights.  My stepfather had a huge collection of VHS tapes of his tournament fights.  Nary a somersault superkick in the bunch.

Ronin warriors and Tengu bandits crop up on the way to the monastery.  Get used to nut shots because these guys will make you suffer enough to make even the most virile of men sterile (except of course Chuck Norris who can apparently drop testicles like nobodies business).  I’m thinking the ninja cabal was feeling the effects of 80’s trickle-down economics in their security funding for such uninspired planning.

After passing the Goemon guards who simply annoy you with Chinese throwing stars at the entrance of monastery you finally get to fight some real live ninjas.  The first wave sort of swarm at you and waste your time.  After beating them the candles go out.  Another wave of ninjas use their mystical stealth invisibility attack which is a royal pain to get past.  They are there mainly to run into you and waste your time.  You will come to find wasting time is a running theme in Chuck Norris Superkicks.  If you make it past them you fight a few more waves eventually beating the game (yay).  As per the era there really isn’t an ending per se so don’t expect much.

Summing up, the sound effects are pretty much crap, and no effort to do anything special for the ColecoVision version of the game which was far superior to the Atari 2600, Commodore 64 and VIC-20 versions.  The graphics are adequate.  You’ll either see grass, which by the way slows you down so stay on the path, dirt, mountains or trees and the monastery.  Oh and the occasional squiggly field which I assume are ninja-breeding rice paddies.

The developer, Xonox, wasn’t exactly known for going the extra mile on quality.  In fact they are one of the many low quality Coleco and Atari developers who contributed to the death of the videogame industry in the US, later to be revived by the introduction of the Nintendo Entertainment System.  Like Mike Tyson’s Punchout!! eventually the license ran out for his likeness and it was later re-released as “Kung Fu Superkicks” which was the same exact game without Chuck Norris’s name on it.  By the way it isn’t as rare as Mangia for the 2600 but it’s rare enough that you should hold onto it if you have a copy.

Verdict: This game royally sucks monkey nuts.  I can’t believe I wasted so many hours trying to beat it when I was a kid.  I would happily trade those wasted hours to get roundhouse kicked to the face over and over by Walker Texas Ranger.  It would be more satisfying by far than getting punched in the nuts by a Ronin warrior.

PROTIP:  Eating lead paint and following it with a chaser of gasoline is probably a better use of your time.

Links:
MobyGames
Official Manual

-Hollywood

  As some of you know I’m a big vintage gaming fan.  I was recently revisiting The Oregon Trail on the Apple II, a game I often played in school.  In case you missed it back in the day it was a game that simulated the mid 1800’s trip West by pioneers...  and it was awesome.

Along the way you had to make some strategic decisions involving management of your resources (food, water, money, supplies), your parties health, your oxen, etc.  It didn’t burden you to the point of being tedium like RPGs like World of Warcraft.  It was simple enough for a kid to play but engaging enough for an adult, even today.  Perhaps the most rewarding part was hunting.  In later versions you could play with a mouse but back in the day you had to use the arrow keys (and you liked it that way damn it).

I always found the more frustrating element of the game was deciding what to do at a river.  Do you attempt to ford it, pay a ferry or float your wagon?  Or late in the game when you have to steer the wagon down the river without hanging it up on the rocks or drowning Grandpa.  The first 75% of the game goes by like a breeze and the tough stuff starts when you start getting near the West and are traveling through the passes in the mountains.  Decisions you made early on in the game can bite you in the ass later on.  If by Utah your oxen are almost all gone, your party is sick and you have no more money you’ll need a miracle to get to the finish.  Perhaps that’s how Salt Lake City happened?

The game has a surprising amount of replayability which I guess is why this classic game, first written to be played on a mainframe computer in 1971 is still being played today.

Over the years I’ve found that most educational games weren’t much fun to play nor were very educational either.  Oregon Trail was one of a few games that broke that trend (along with a few of the Carmen Sandiego games and perhaps Mavis Beacon Typing Tutor).  It’s lasting impact is proven by a new version of the game is coming out for mobile phones and the iPhone (iTunes App Store link).  Not bad for a game that is nearing 40 years old!  I mean, where else are you going to find a game that kills you with dysentery?

  If you want to relive this classic game or play it for the first time you don’t have to dust off your Apple II.  VirtualApple offers many games playable online in your browser.  You don’t have to download or configure anything.  There are a ton of other great games on there too so poke around.  Oh and BustedTees has a great t-shirt you might like if you are fan.

or Why Have Retailers Fucked Over the GameCube?

I’ve wanted to write this article for a while now but only now got up the nerve to do it.  I’m a frequent watcher of the videogame industry and an avid gamer.  I own (and still own) systems like the ColecoVision right up to the GameCube.  I’ve always had a soft spot for videogaming and fortunately it has seen resurgence in ‘cool’ so I don’t look so dorky being 26 years old and staring at the toob for hours at a time.

A Nagging Feeling

But something has been bugging me.  After graduating from high school, I quit playing console videogames (at the time, NES, Super NES and Genesis) for a few years.  I would still go to the arcade, in fact I frequented the arcade quite a bit when I started working as I was at the time working in a mall, but I didn’t keep up on consoles.  So when I saw Sony jumping into the mix, I was surprised but when I saw their system, I wasn’t very impressed.  Slow loading times and crappy polygonal graphics, I wasn’t impressed.  Compared to the arcade games I’d been playing for the past few years it was hardly inspiring.  After a few years of watching the PlayStation gain momentum I was perplexed.  Why on earth is everyone so mesmerized by the shovelware that was being produced for this inferior system?  A system that didn’t even have any interesting characters like Sonic or Mario.

Sega had recently announced their Dreamcast and as awesome as it looked, there just didn’t seem to be any games for the system that were all that worthy of a purchase.  Sonic was a treat, but where were the other games?  Sega had a killer system but it looked like “I coulda been a contenda” was written on the box, which sadly became its fate a few years later (and a few great titles later too).  When Nintendo finally announced their N64, I had to see what their response was to the Sony threat.  Well, It was quite a system, but it too had plenty of faults.  However the N64 had a strong supply of games for it, perhaps not of the same numbers of the PS, but at least most of them were quality titles.  When I was in college (I didn’t go to college per se, but I was *at* college) some of my friends were big N64 junkies, largely due to the excellent wrestling games that were offered on the system and the ability to play 4 players at a time (without a ‘multitap’).  I won’t pretend to say that the N64 had better graphics (though I will argue it had better 3D graphics, but crappy looking textures), but it certainly had better games (at least games that interested my friends and I).

When a friend of mine went out of his way the day that the PS2 came onto market to buy one, I was already skeptical.  That side of the fence had little that interested me.  Sure there were games that I would have liked to have had, but the N64 had enough to keep me happy.  When he got the PS2, we all laughed at him for spending over $300 for a system that had a handful of really crappy games.  It didn’t live up to the promises that Sony had made.  It looked like a sooped up PlayStation in a black box.  This riceracer of gaming systems didn’t impress.  Microsoft made their presence known in the gaming universe shortly after the PS2.  With a focus on hardware, instead of software, it looked like it could also be poised for a fate similar to the powerful Dreamcast, but as most anyone who knows Microsoft should know, never count them out early in the fight.  A few months later, Nintendo released the GameCube, hoping to gain marketshare stolen from them by Sony in the past few years.  Knowing they needed a system that was powerful and capable and knowing they needed to convert to the optical disk format to compete, they released a worthy system.

Now, a few years later, we see the market and how it’s laid out.  The PS2 owns the world market by a huge degree.  It also holds an interesting advantage in that it can also run older PS games.  Nintendo owns the second place title in the world market by a small margin, but is third in place in the US market, where Microsoft recently has taken a recognizable lead.  The Dreamcast has dropped from the race entirely.  How did the market shift directions?  Nintendo used to own the market when the race was almost entirely Nintendo versus Sega (though there were a few other mildly successful systems like the TurboGrafx 16 and the NeoGeo, they were more successful in Asia than in the US).  Why does Sony own the hearts and minds of our youth instead of Nintendo?  How is it that the stereotypically “uncool” Microsoft becomes cool with the Xbox?  I don’t have the answers, but I do have a few thoughts on all of this.

Conspiracy Theories

Have you taken a look in a videogame or computer store lately?  How about the ads in the Sunday newspaper or on TV?  I’ve noticed something interesting lately.  Perhaps it has been there all along and I only recently saw it.

When you go into a videogame store, you are thrown into a wonderland of games.  Most of these are for the ubiquitous PS2 system.  What of the Xbox and GameCube?  Ask a rep at the retailer what system is the best and I’ll guarantee the response will go something like this: “The PS2 is the best because it has the most games, but the Xbox is really good if you want the best graphics and adult games.  Buy a GameCube if you have kids.”  The retailer will almost go out of his way to pressure moms and dads (who typically don’t keep up on gaming news and technology) into buying the more expensive systems selling them on such things or simply “this one is the best”.  If you aren’t a mom or dad, but a typical teenager who wants a new system they hammer on the gamer by feeding him FUD like “You want to buy this system because that other system doesn’t have any games for teenagers or adults”.  Think I’m overstating this?  Go into a videogame store and listen in on some conversations with kids, teens, adults and moms and dads.  Most retailers are more interested in making the sale rather than qualifying the sale by asking questions about the gamer and the types of games he or she likes.

Instead, they make presumptions: Kids want the kiddy system, GameCube.  Teens want lots of games or want adult games like their older brothers and sisters, so they should buy the PS2 or Xbox.  Parents should buy whatever is the most expensive system, but easiest to sell, PS2.  20 or 30 something’s should buy the Xbox because it has adult games.  Nevermind the fact that all of these systems have a huge variety of games that overlap age groups and genres.  But the presumption is the easiest sale because “They practically sell themselves!”.

Another interesting thing you’ll notice when you are in many of the big gaming chains, is that the crew are all wearing Xbox necklace-nametags, for instance.  Now tell me that you are going to get impartial help from that salesperson.  Like most stores they are going to try to upsell the customer to that product (or whatever product is going to net them the highest dollar sale they can get out of that person, even more so if that store is commission-based).  Think I’m kidding?  Most retailers have certain products that they are asked to highlight and sell more of than the others for ‘spiffs’.  I wouldn’t doubt for a moment that gaming retailers have certain systems they are told to highlight, though admittedly I have no proof to make that statement.

Isn’t it incredibly interesting that retailers place the GameCube in the back of their store, often in the corner next to the bargain bin stuff (from the GameCube’s launch I’ve noticed this in many major retailers)?  The PS2 and Xbox are much more prominently placed towards the front sides of the store.  While I can reason the PS2 being prominently placed from a shear items-sold perspective, the Xbox and the GameCube have very similar sales numbers, so why this discrepancy?  Ever go into Blockbuster or Hollywood Video?  Isn’t it interesting that their GameCube lineup is greatly lacking, often half the size of the Xbox rental selection?  Why?

Isn’t it also very interesting that in the ads in Sunday newspapers that many of the big electronics stores (Circuit City, Best Buy, CompUSA, etc.) will often highlight a certain system over another?  In fact, they will often leave the GameCube out of their ads altogether.  I noticed when Zelda came out, a few of the stores would simply show Zelda for sale, but not feature a shot of the system at all.  I’m not saying there’s a conspiracy here, but jeeze…  It seems awfully fishy.

Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt

Sony and Microsoft have spread so much FUD about Nintendo in the past few years that everyone is willing to believe any rant that comes out of their collective mouths.  I won’t be so naive to say that Nintendo hasn’t done any wrong in their past, but come on…  Most notably lately is all of the press that has been going on saying that GameCube is going down the tube to a fate similar to that of the Dreamcast.  Quite a lofty thing to say when Nintendo (at least at the time of the launch) is the only company to be making a profit on each system sold.  This is the same kind of FUD that’s been said about Apple for the past 20 years (sorry to use a tired example, but is it not true?).

The more it is said, the more likely it may happen, I suppose because we are talking about a difference between marketshare and mindshare.  Xbox and GameCube share very similar marketshare, but Xbox seems to have won out highly on mindshare.  How?  The same way that Windows has won out on Linux mindshare (though I’d imagine the numbers are a lot closer marketshare wise if you were to consider *every* system and device that runs Linux compared to Windows).  I’m not sure how Nintendo can win the mindshare race.  Nintendo started out in the market when gamers were typically children but now many of those children are starting to have kids of their own, and their interests are different.  So some folks have decided that the only way Nintendo can regain marketshare is if they start making gorefest games that will sell to the mature audiences.  Nintendo does something that few other game companies can do.  They make games that everyone can enjoy.  Perhaps they haven’t gotten with the times and addressed niche audiences, making ultraviolent games.  However, they have a fairly consistent quality that most other game companies can’t match, other than Sega perhaps.
I’ve seen a fair amount of retailers complaining online that they aren’t making money on the GameCube, and some saying they are losing money on it.  If you aren’t making money off the GameCube, then you aren’t doing your job to sell GameCube.  Just as some stores may be featuring certain items, they should also work on selling other items in their store as well.  Instead of sitting behind your counter and ignoring your customers (Babbages, GameStop, software etc., etc. Etc. Etc.) try suggestion selling.  Try figuring out what it is that the customer wants and trying to find out what would best suit their needs.  PS2 isn’t for everyone, Xbox isn’t for everyone and of course, GameCube isn’t for everyone.  If you are that concerned about inventory in your store then you need to work on your sales technique.  Talk to the customer; ask them what kind of games they like.  Don’t sell them a PS2 because it’s easy.  Sell them the system that best matches their wants and needs.

And I’ll say this (from being heavily entrenched in retail) if you simply sit back and assume that the products will sell themselves, then you don’t belong in retail, you should be selling hotdogs on a hotdog stand because that doesn’t require any communication or qualifying with the customer other than asking whether or not they want mustard.

Unanswered Questions

As I said, I have no real answers to the questions I have posed, but I needed to ask them anyway because it’s been bugging me.  I read the gaming magazines, both print and online, and there is total distortion on all sides.  Everyone is trying to promote his or her favorite system over the other.  While I’m a big fan of the GameCube, I also believe in journalistic integrity, which most of these journalists don’t seem to adhere to.  I also think a lot of it comes down to the “cool” factor.  Most gaming companies appeal to youth just like most other companies do, by making their product seem cooler than everyone else’s.  Right now Sony is the Nike in the industry.  Kids see their older brothers (sadly, female gamers are still largely ignored in the industry) playing ultraviolent games like Grand Theft Auto or Splinter Cell and they want to play those games too.  It is purely human nature.  All younger siblings want the things their elder siblings have.  The advertising industry knows this, and that’s how they sell products.  That’s also how the tobacco industry continues to exist, but that’s another article altogether.

Final Notes

To be fair, I will say that Nintendo does need to get on the ball with producing more “Big” games and they need to do more advertising of those titles.  They need to lose their “kiddie” appearance and fast.  Perhaps that is a failure to see what is going on in the US market due to culture differences, I don’t know.  So, yeah, Nintendo is partly to blame for not being as aggressive as they should be.

I expect that this article will get a fair amount of rabid readers frothing at the mouth that I’m painting something in a poor light or that my facts aren’t straight.  I hope most readers of this article will understand my intentions; to question if there aren’t some fishy things going on in the industry pushing momentum in ways that may not have naturally happened.  The gaming industry today is larger than the record industry and there’s a lot of money to be had.  If one company is practicing uncouth business tactics, I’d like to know about it.  Then again, I could be reading more into this than there is…

-Hollywood