pop-culture for the people

You know, I really wanted to like this game. I really wanted to give it a good review. But, as a decrepit drug addict once said, “You don’t always get what you want.” I have to be honest with you, my highly esteemed reader (because if you can’t trust me, who can you trust?). I can’t say that cat shit is caviar, and I can’t say Kid Nikki is worth the space it takes up in my existence.

Kid Nikki is the “Radical Ninja.” I suppose the kids think he is “radical” because of the spiky hair/ponytail look he’s got going on. What kind of name is Nikki for a ninja anyways? And those red PJs? ...Gag me with a spoon! Well, this quote unquote “ninja” (and I put in italics to really grind in that sarcasm. ed.) starts the game meditating behind some of those fancy screens you see in sushi bars. Suddenly an arrow kills an innocent bird, and Kid Nikki is hell-bent on revenge! Don’t ravish innocent dumb animals when the Nikster is around! Um, at least that’s what I think the story’s about, the opener is pretty vague, but a bird does get killed.

The reason I wanted to like the game is because of the enemies… they’re stupid looking and they have great names like Green Grub and Death Breath. Death Breath is my personal favorite; he’s got a teeny tiny body and a huge deformed head. Mr. Breath breathes his deadly stench upon you, and when all else fails his massive cranium goes into spastic convulsions. Awesome right? There’s also Spikey who’s an emaciated little booger that swings a spiky ball at you. The graphics ain’t half bad, and these are some very clever and neat-looking characters. I dig ‘em the most.

At this point, I’ll let you in on a secret. They’re the only amusing thing in this game. The absolute only thing. All the other enemies look like Teletubbies… if they’re supposed to be bad guys that Nikki’s gotta kill, why make them so adorable? They not only look stupid, but most of them just stand there waiting to be killed. No fighting, just lots of plush monsters begging to be annihilated. It’s a good thing that most of the baddies are so apathetic because if Kid Nikki touches anything resembling a threat, he dies. Brushing up against a goddamn floating bubble kills you. So do frogs. So do flies. So does everything. What a loser excuse for a Ninja. Kid Nikki is a ponytail pansy loser. God this game is frustrating. I shot 3 rounds at my TV screen while playing this, but I’m a lousy shot. I tried throwing the Nintendo out the window at some point, but I’m really tired and weak right now from lack of sleep. But I suffer so you don’t have to. You’ll know in advance that this game will not amuse you for long, but it may cause chest pains. I also find the plot to be lacking in substance, even for a Nintendo game.

If you love ninjas, I advise playing Wrath of Black Manta (NES) of Shinobi (Sega). Those are ninjas; Kid Nikki is an embarrassment to the profession. Real ninjas don’t look like a midget version of Corey Haim. Why don’t you commit seppuku Nikki? The world would be a less suck-tastic place.

Bottom Line: I think I’ve made myself clear. Really cool boss characters combined with a game that would make baby Jesus cry if you gave it to him for a Christmas present. If you play this game and decide the thrill of living is gone, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

-Future

What other staff members think:
Tobita: I fight many honorous ninja…and Nikki-san, you are no such honorable personage! I break skull and feed Nikki brain to Survival Toto that is Survival Tobita’s pet dog. Yeah!

Croc Hunter: You know what really disturbed me? The scene where that bloke Nikki killed a frog and it died and there was BLOOD!!! Cruelty to animals is blimey well uncivilized.

Shameless Promotion
Buy this game at Amazon.com

Other Kid Nikki Resources:
Game FAQs: Kid Nikki
Game Trading Zone-More Nikki