imageAh… good old fighting games. Why do we love them so? When I say “we” of course I mean me and video game dorks like me. There’s something basic and primal about squarin’ off with your opponent TO THE DEATH (with video game characters naturally, I don’t fight ‘cuz I’m a fragile genius). It returns us to our roots when our ancestors poked each other with forks or something. All fighting games are basically the same, some better than others, so today let’s look at one of the better ones.

Soul Blade does have a “story” to speak of. Note my use of quotations. Cervantes, an evil pirate has some ultimate weapon called the Soul Blade. He is mighty evil and apparently does bad stuff, as pirates do. The whole cast of Soul Blade is after the weapon; each person has their own motivations and story. Some want the power, some want to stop evil, some want a change from the humdrum futility that we call existence. It’s called CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, daddy!!! Pick your character and travel the globe, gaining experience and nifty weapons along the way. You can read all about the exciting travels of your fighter as it progresses, but I skipped over this crap. This is WAR, not War & Peace!!!!

The storyline doesn’t exactly make sense; it just gives the game excuses to set up unfair matches. F’instance, you get mortally wounded and immediately have to fight 6 people. Crap like that. Jesus, smart people usually run away from fights when they’re on their deathbed. On the plus side, I’ve always wanted to travel, but now I don’t have to, because the backdrops of Germany (old burning castle) Spain (sea with lots of pirate ships) Rome (lots of dust, audience in background appreciating the dust) etc. all perfectly convey the mood and ambiance of each place. It’s a vacation and it’s a video game! I love it!!!

imageSoul Blade is one of those wonderful games where randomly jamming on buttons lead to success. Hand eye coordination? Memorizing move sets? Nah, that junk’s for people with even more free time than me. Give me a game that lets me win just by twiddling my fingers lots. The other big benefit in this is that if you have a semi well-trained pet (like a spider monkey) you can play against them. Haven’t you always wanted to play a video game against a monkey? Well, now you can. Huzzah. One nice little touch is that every single one of the characters’ moves posses an overly theatric name. Little jab with sword…that’s a Sky Splitter! Kick…that’s an Earth-Shaker! The designers actually took the time to give overblown names to every single move, and I appreciate that kind of thoroughness (insanity).

Now let’s look at some members of our excellent cast, shall we?

Voldo: He looks like Edward Scissorhands. Anything vaguely related to Tim Burton stuff is good by me. Voldo attaches all sorts of nifty things to his wrist stubs: swords, pizza cutters, sporks. He also sort of reminds me of the Gimp from Pulp Fiction. I guess he’s my favorite cuz he brings back the memories of good movies. That, and he dances like a little ballerina.

Sophitia: Token female created by lonely, lonely game designer TM. She’s got attacks that look dirty (they involve her crotch as a weapon). Icky girl. On a positive note, she knees people in the balls…then says she’s sorry. In fact, she repeatedly apologizes after beating someone. Humility is funny. In her ending, God appears to her and yammers about how she’s a pure soul. God looks like a big cardboard cutout in the sky. I always thought that would be the case.

Cervantes: For the ultimate personification of evil (never seen one of those before) he sure looks flamboyant. “Argh maties, I’m a pirate, and I come for your booty!” I think that’s all I have to say about that.

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Li Long & Hwang: Tee-hee.

Sigfried: He’s a knight, he’s got a gigantic phallic sword, and he’s 16. Siggy’s got an annoying high-pitched voice, and his victory taunts make me angry. “I’ve never had such an easy fight” Hey, boy-o, you are by far the most annoying video game character ever. Get a job as a paperboy or something. I dunno, punk teenagers irk me.

Sooooo, endure all the trials, beat Cervantes, and your character decides what to do with the Soul Blade. “With great power comes great responsibility (Amazing Spider-Man #1)” Will this power corrupt you, will it fulfill your hopes and dreams? Well, it all depends on which character you choose. As a rule, expect to die in the ending or turn evil. It’s quite horribly depressing.

Bottom line: The graphics are good, the game is fun to play, and it doesn’t get boring too quickly. If you like fighting games, this is a pretty good choice. I guess I didn’t make it too clear in the review, but I like this game. I like it more than getting my hair cut. I like it more than eating potted meat…. but I don’t like it as much as BonJolie likes Bon Jovi.

What other staff members think:
Tobita: What, every game violence you ask Tobita review? Can Tobita no sensitive side have? Hmph. No comment say Tobita. He too much honor has for site anymore. Tobita review Titanic come super fun soon. Yeah!!

Bowie: Listen, I don’t care unless they make a fighting game where I, David Bowie beat the shit out of ex-agents and record companies. Yes, that sounds quite fun. Bugger off.

Hazzard: I wish I peed on this game.

Shameless Promotion:
Buy This Game at Amazon.com

Other Soul Blade Resources:
Soul Blade / Soul Edge On the Playstation (PSX)
Playstation Ratings: Soul Blade
Soul Blade cheats, codes, hints, FAQs: Sony PlayStation