imageKurt the Future here, your esteemed video game connoisseur. Why am I qualified you ask? I wrote a video game column in my elementary school newspaper. It had great hints like “If you attack the old man who gives the sword he hurts you so don’t attack the old man. - Legend of Zelda.”  See… Qualified.

Ah… Tyson’s Punch-Out!, the good ol’ days when Tyson was a hero, before he evolved into the baby-eating monster we all know him as today. So here’s the deal, you’re Little Mac, a midget whose dream is to get pummeled by “Big Sweaty Men” ™.  Your trainer is Doc, who you jump around the ring with and punch and stuff. The game controls are classic early Nintendo. Punch low, Punch High, Block, Dodge and get Knocked Out. That’s why everyone loved Nintendo, a brain dead chimp could excel in this environment. Block punches, hit people = Win. See, mindless and good.

You have to win 3 titles before you fight Tyson, minor major and super or something. Boxers in the early stage are easy to beat, but not so later on. Who-da’ thunk. There are a number of reasons to enjoy the road to meeting Tyson….

1. Doc the Trainer -  He offers useless advice and rubs your back in a very homoerotic way. Yup, that’s about all he does.

Mac: “Hey Doc, this guy’s 10’ taller than me and he’s bashing my dwarf skull in and calling me a little nancy boy!”

Doc: “Hang in there Mac!”

See, you’d be better off with a pair of dirty socks as your trainer!

2. Stereotypes - We’s got a wussy Frenchman named Glass Joe, a German Kaiser, Piston Honda, an Indian Magician, a drunk Russian and King Hippo, who is Samoan if I’m not mistaken.

imageLet’s take a closer look at the stupidity that Nintendo was drilling into our impressionable minds.

Piston Honda - (Evil Japanese man extraordinaire) taunts you with phrases such as “Kamikaze Sushi Banzai!” WTF? I’m an American, and I don’t yell “Hamburger Sex Kegger” at people that piss me off. His skin is yellow too. 

Soda Popinski - The drunk Russian. Hey he forgot his boxing trunks… he’s wearing tiny pink panties. He’s drunk and angry and he can’t feel pain. Damn commie. 

Don Flamingo - A flamboyant Spanish dancer or something. I do know that he is flamboyant… very flamboyant. As an 8 year old I was very uncomfortable with Don’s mind games of using his questionable sexual nature to throw me off my game. 

Super Macho Man - I think he’s a stereotypical Californian bodybuilder. His pecs dance a lot. Way too much. I think the game designers were planning on emotionally crippling lots of kids. 

image3. Mario The Ref. - Super Mario… what an overrated overexposed piece of shit. I wish you could knock him out. Go back to plumbing and saving Princess Toadstool you troglodyte. 

4. Training Sequences - Fat Doc peddling a bicycle… very… slowly and Little Mac in his fashionable pink jumpsuit. They’re ready to take on the world DADDY!

So, all this coolness is a prelude to a dream fight with the undefeated, unbeatable, unbreakable, incomprehensible, Mike Tyson. I remember crying when playing this game as a kid because he whooped me so bad. One punch knocks you out. That’s not fair. I could not for the life of me comprehend why they made this game so nightmare fueling for little kids. Tyson is a big gap-toothed bully who’s very, very tough to beat. He questions my manhood and makes me weep. I curled into the fetal position and stopped playing. The world dropped away. Reality is too harsh and cruel. I can not go on playing a game in a world so uncaring.

-Future

imageWhat Other Staff Members Think: 
Survival Tobita – (Japanese rock and roller dishonored greatly by Piston Honda. Slander against proud man like Tobita, good Japanese citizen.) “I destroy all monster, kill all enemy. Make Mother Earth proud! The French really are pansies though, no problem with Nintendo portrayal of weak pastry-eaters!”

Andy Warhol – “Little Mac’s lime green trunks and pink jumpsuit tell me that he has no taste. He should die. I do however love the Indian guy’s tiger skin boots. What a smashing way to tell people, ‘I’m going to hurt you.’”

More on Punch-out!!:
Game Manual
X-Entertainment
Original Arcade Punch-Out Page