pop-culture for the people

“If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.”

“Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.”

These are just some of the things Chuck Norris is known for.  He’s a world champion Karate expert, Air Force Air Policeman, 80’s action movie star, fake Texas Ranger, internet meme and homophobic card-carrying-NRA intelligent design loving douchebag.  He was also the hero in a little known and little remembered 80’s videogame called Chuck Norris Superkicks.

Long before Mike Tyson was attached to Punchout!!  Chuck Norris was featured in Chuck Norris Superkicks.  It was 1983, the height of Norris’ action movie career just before The Delta Force came out.  You played Chuck on an epic quest to rescue a monk held hostage in an ancient monastery by an evil cabal of ninjas whom you you must save before time runs out or else you both die.  During his quest you acquire fighting skills in the form of belts starting out as a white belt and ending up as a black belt (signified by the color of the bottom of your screen.).

Given you have a mere 6 minutes to go from a white belt to black belt and defeat the ninjas it’s not entirely clear who exactly who administers the belt distribution so we are left to assume Chuck Norris is also a skilled textile worker.  Probably something he picked up during his time in Korea.

Your quest begins on a dirt path heading into the hills towards the monastery.  Along the way you will fight various bandits and ronin intent on stopping you or at least slowing you down.  Everything sounds great so far, right?  Well not so much.  The story line, befitting early Steven Seagal films (before he went environmental), is about the only thing good about this “game”.

On the road you often have to choose between two paths, one is right and the other is wrong adding to your overall time to defeat the end boss.  There is no hint of the proper path, just a roll of the dice.  Over and over you will select the wrong path on your quest only having to backtrack (Steven Seagal would probably get all Zen right about now).  It is the videogame equivalent of having to stop at every redlight in a racing game.

In addition to the various belts you will need to acquire the patience of Jane Goodall teaching a retarded chimpanzee how to get the jellybeans.  The controls are absolutely awful and take a great deal of time to get used to.  There is a noticeable lag in response leaving you to look like you are playing one of those drunk-driving simulators you see at the state fair.  The horrible controls and seemingly random chance assigned when you actually hit an opponent make this game frustratingly difficult.  Eventually you learn to compensate but even then the collision detection is iffy at best and your frustration will mount as you get beat on by random jobbers.

You are equipped with four moves thrust kick, punch, block and the somersault superkick.  I’ve seen Chuck Norris do many a roundhouse but I’m not sure I’ve seen him do a somersault superkick in real life.  Unlike many of you reading this I’ve seen more than my fair share of Chuck Norris in real fights.  My stepfather had a huge collection of VHS tapes of his tournament fights.  Nary a somersault superkick in the bunch.

Ronin warriors and Tengu bandits crop up on the way to the monastery.  Get used to nut shots because these guys will make you suffer enough to make even the most virile of men sterile (except of course Chuck Norris who can apparently drop testicles like nobodies business).  I’m thinking the ninja cabal was feeling the effects of 80’s trickle-down economics in their security funding for such uninspired planning.

After passing the Goemon guards who simply annoy you with Chinese throwing stars at the entrance of monastery you finally get to fight some real live ninjas.  The first wave sort of swarm at you and waste your time.  After beating them the candles go out.  Another wave of ninjas use their mystical stealth invisibility attack which is a royal pain to get past.  They are there mainly to run into you and waste your time.  You will come to find wasting time is a running theme in Chuck Norris Superkicks.  If you make it past them you fight a few more waves eventually beating the game (yay).  As per the era there really isn’t an ending per se so don’t expect much.

Summing up, the sound effects are pretty much crap, and no effort to do anything special for the ColecoVision version of the game which was far superior to the Atari 2600, Commodore 64 and VIC-20 versions.  The graphics are adequate.  You’ll either see grass, which by the way slows you down so stay on the path, dirt, mountains or trees and the monastery.  Oh and the occasional squiggly field which I assume are ninja-breeding rice paddies.

The developer, Xonox, wasn’t exactly known for going the extra mile on quality.  In fact they are one of the many low quality Coleco and Atari developers who contributed to the death of the videogame industry in the US, later to be revived by the introduction of the Nintendo Entertainment System.  Like Mike Tyson’s Punchout!! eventually the license ran out for his likeness and it was later re-released as “Kung Fu Superkicks” which was the same exact game without Chuck Norris’s name on it.  By the way it isn’t as rare as Mangia for the 2600 but it’s rare enough that you should hold onto it if you have a copy.

Verdict: This game royally sucks monkey nuts.  I can’t believe I wasted so many hours trying to beat it when I was a kid.  I would happily trade those wasted hours to get roundhouse kicked to the face over and over by Walker Texas Ranger.  It would be more satisfying by far than getting punched in the nuts by a Ronin warrior.

PROTIP:  Eating lead paint and following it with a chaser of gasoline is probably a better use of your time.

Links:
MobyGames
Official Manual

-Hollywood