monkeysvsrobots.com » Homer - The Iliad Book Review

Whoo boy, I do believe that I’m in over my head here. I mean, this is a subject that’s a bit more challenging than DJ Boy or Duck Hunt. This is one of those classic books about dead people I’ve always heard so much about. I had to review it. I mean, I HAD to. MvsR wouldn’t be complete if it didn’t have a review of this much talked about book. Damn this book is big. And the print’s tiny. And there’s lots of hard to pronounce Greek names. Here goes…

Brief Synopsis: (for kids looking to copy a book report off the web) The Greeks and Trojans have been fighting for 9 years. When frat boys get into fights, it’s usually over a girl, and these Greeks are no different. The fair maiden Helen ran away from her husband Menelaus to start humping Paris of Troy. Needless to say Menelaus is throwing a tizzy, so there’s a great big war that’s been raging forever and getting absolutely nowhere.

The Iliad focuses in on the last year of the war where the Greek hero Achilles refuses to fight because he has been dishonored, and Hector of Troy makes life miserable for everyone. There’s lots of fighting in the book, and the Greek gods interfere liberally when the ref’s back is turned. Odysseus of The Odyssey makes a cameo appearance too. The big climax comes when Achilles and Hector have a ridiculous showdown (it involve slots of running away and not much fighting). The book ends with the Greeks winning, but it’s really a teaser for everyone to shell out money for the sequel (The Odyssey).

OK, so that’s what happens. So, you must be asking, what does sweet wonderful Future think about this book? I think it’s a good read; it’s just unfortunate that I have the attention span of a squirrel in the Louvre. I believe this was originally passed down orally (much like herpes), so there’s lots of repeating lines to make it easier to recite. I can deal with that, but it gets tedious. The bloodshed and eviscerations and the hurting (OH MY!) make it sound like it’s just begging to be made into a big budget Hollywood movie. Starring Angelina Jolie as Helen and Dolph Lhungren as Achilles. I cannot tell you how many people get killed by having a spear go through their nipple. There’s also lots of beheadings and eye sockets being gouged. It’s gory, but fun. Homer seemed to make up about 5 new and interesting ways to die in each battle.

Man, those Greeks and Trojans liked honor and ritual. There are lots of rules in warfare, like time out periods, and the importance of burying the dead, and having games like wrestling and horse racing in between battles. And every important decision has to be accompanied by sacrifices by the gods. Ultimately they decide who’s gonna win so everyone has to suck up to them. Wouldn’t they catch on eventually that the gods are colossal dicks that switch sides at the drop of a hat?

I have to say that the Gods are interesting characters. Zeus is a big bully and he’s thick headed (sort of like a Greek Rush Limbaugh). Aphrodite is a winy and vindictive woman, and Ares god of war is just mean. It’s a shame that Jeff, god of biscuits never shows up. Anyway, they all pick favorite humans to root on, and life in Olympus is full of deceit, trickery and the sex. It’s fun to see the gods bicker and backstab. See, everyone has problems at the workplace, even gods.

My main complaint is the anti-climatic ending. Hector gets killed and buried. That’s it. The war doesn’t end, Helen is still in Troy, and people keep getting poked with spears. Mr. money-grubber Homer just wants people to buy The Odyssey. What a bastard. And you know that whole thing about the Trojan horse? That happens in the next book too. What a rip.

Bottom Line: It’s a good read with a disappointing ending. Most people will probably find it too dry to spend time on (most people are stupid). It will, however make people think you’re smart if they see you reading it. In the month or so it took me to read this, I carried it everywhere. People gave me looks like, “Ah, he must be cultured” and “What an intelligent young man” I also started dating since I started reading it. Coincidence? I THINK NOT. Even if you’re not going to read it, you should still carry it around, because it earns you the respect of your peers. I guarantee it, it worked for me, and it will work for you!

-Future

What other staff members think:

Andy Warhol: Dead people are so uninteresting…though I am quite fond of Greeks!

Jeff, God of Biscuits: Sure, go ahead you Greeks, have your silly war, but don’t come banging on my door wondering why you didn’t have any warm rolls for celebration dinners! You’re all so busy praying to your Gods of War and Thunder while my tasty treats go cold and alone on the table, without the praise or glory they deserve. I could have helped too! In the heat of battle no one expects to get a white-hot biscuit in the eye! That’s flour power for you! Stupid Greeks, revenge is a dish best served with a warm doughy side-dish.

Hazzard, Graduate of Hartwick College (ENGLISH, no, really!): This work raises some major questions. Number one: Is Helen really that hot? Was she really the face that launched a thousand ships or did she just have the breasts that raised a thousand ramparts? Maybe, she was all around, a great chick. Yet, something tells me she wasn’t some random fat chick with a great personality and a lovely singing voice. I don’t know, but if you’re interested in what another person thought about it, check out Christopher Marlow’s “Tragical Life of Dr. Faustus” where the evil, satanic doctor tries to get freaky with Helen before the demons drag his soul to Hell. Oh, and Future, the death of Hector is meant to symbolize the eventual fall of Troy, since Hector is the fortunate son, pride of all Trojans, blah, blah, blah. (Thus, not terribly anti-climatic) He’s sort of Sting to their Police… Or Jim Morrison to the Doors… There’s no going on without him… Oh, and Bonjolie, it’s like Journey minus Steve Perry… why bother?

Buy This Book from:
Barnes & Noble
Amazon.com
Buy.com

Other Resources for The Iliad:
Consult Your Local Library

Other Resources for Jeff, God of Biscuits:
Comedian Eddie Izzard

More articles by future.
Read future's Journal.

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Reader comments:

You look more than a cinema critic
than a cultural intelligent young man.
You have carried your prejudice about the epics all along.
And you have made a few mistakes that
someone who has actually read the books
shouldn’t have.
The common mistake made is that
the war was between the Greeks and the
Trojans. Wrong.
If you have actually read the books
you would have noticed that the Greek
side is not referred to as the Greeks
but as the Achaians.
Meaning the ‘Achaian Greeks’ and not
the ‘Trojan Greeks’.
The Trojans were Greeks.
Their language, their names, their gods
and their customs were Greek as
presented in the Epics you have read.

Secondly, the actual war did happen.
Many people don’t know that.
The Iliad is not an actual description
of the war that happened.
It’s Homers ode to the war and it
presents a valuable historical source about the civilization of that age.
The Greek language used by him at that time is considered to be the highest
level of the Greek language.
Up until our days
the Greek language has continuesly
been degraded.
Let’s keep in mind that Homers heritage
is more than his books. His actual
words, the Homeric Greek words exist
in the English vocabulary by the
thousands. Some of Homer’s
words appeared in English
after the 14th century.
Greek names are not difficult
to pronounce, and they actually mean something.

And then, although
Iliad is just an ode, the characters that are presented actually existed.

Let’s not forget that Alexander the
Great considered Achilles to be his
ancestor from the geneological line
of his mother.
The Odyssey depicts a mans struggle
through life with a metaphorical way
which only an adult will understand
and not someone like you.

Now, the fact that you actually carried
the book: Let’s not forget
that Alexander the Great carried the
book all the time and kept it under
his pillow. At one time he was given
a box in which to place the most
precious thing he had. And in it,
he placed the Iliad and the Odyssea.
In you criticism who have completely
discarted the poetical value
of Homer’s Iliad and Odyssea.
You will find only a few poets
(if you involve yourself with poetry
at all)that can be compared to
Homer.
I don’t know what you expected of him.
It’s not mathematics, it’s poetry,
and it’s damn better that the Old or
the New Testament.

However, if you’re a mathematics guy
there are many ancient Greek references.

To the host of he site:
I think that u r an idiot who is trying to be funny and who really doesnt have a life. I really suggest that u pick up the book and read it properly before insulting such a classic but then again the likes of you probably won’t get it. I agree with Alexander who actually knws what he is talking about.

I’ve read the Iliad, and I loved the Iliad. I also thought that this was the funniest thing that I have seen in a long time. Good for you for having a sense of humor.

i am reading this classic in class and your info seems apropriate

just finished it for english. agreed everywhere. dickheads fighting clunkheads. and for what? sex. and glory. what more is there to life, really?

anyone who wishes to criticize you honestly kinda shouldn’t be on this place in the…well… first place.

alexander, um, wtf were you doing on this site anyway, mr. trojan war expert? this kinda isn’t a trojan war expert-sorta site.