I am pretty sure The Da Vinci Code sucked as much - if not worse - than waxing. Since I am presently too distracted by The Daily Show to concentrate on an intelligent argument, I will just make vicious jabs in short sentences you jackasses will understand.

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Exhibit A
For $15.99, you get a book big enough to do calf-stretches on, and forced, silly dialogue that makes morning DJ-banter sound like Shakespeare.

For $85, you get all the hair ripped out of your legs and a fluffy robe to wear.

Exhibit B
The Da Vinci Code would have been a phenomenal waste of time if I weren’t just listening to it in the car on the way to work everyday

Waxing would have been a phenomenal waste of time if I didn’t .... enjoy .... searing-hot pain

Exhibit C
The main character in the Da Vinci Code is an obvious ploy by the writer to portray himself as a hunky Indiana Jones, worshipped against his will by women everywhere.

Waxing my legs is an obvious ploy to portray myself as a glossy vixen, worshipped against my will by men everywhere.

Exhibit D
The ending of Da Vinci Code left much to be desired.

The waxing left me with a bumpy rash.

Exhibit E
The Da Vinci Code made me homicidal everytime it employed the laughable phrase “the sacred feminine”

I became homicidal when she ripped the hair around my “sacred feminine.”

Exhibit F
You can use The Da Vinci Code to work obscure art history into conversations:
“Did you know the Mona Lisa was so named because Amon is the Egyptian god of male fertility and L’isa is the ancient name for Isis, the Egyptian goddess of female fertility?”

Your waxing technician will be wowed and amazed by the stream of “fuck"s and “ouchgodDAMNit"s you work into the conversation.
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Exhibit G
The characters are laughably flat and unbelievable, like the French crypotologist who says, “I don’t understand” no less than seventeen times in the book.

They made me wear paper panties.

Exhibit H
If you aren’t a total drooling moron, you are always a few steps ahead of the main character, a Harvard symbologist.

If you aren’t a total drooling moron, you will become one when she rips the hair off of your inner thigh.

 

image Leonardo Da Vinci says: “Mona Lisa was just some ugly broad I may have fucked when I was drunk - sheesh. Drop it, will ya?”