imageHollywood Denney may be God when it comes to Monkeys vs. Robots, but I’m the Christ figure of this web site. And what have I endured for the sins of the world this week? Today, the dreaded cross I’ve nailed myself to has 24 inch pythons, supposedly plays a musical instrument, and shouts “brother” all the time. For you ungrateful people, I’ve forced myself to listen to Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band’s first and only LP, “Hulk Rules”.

    It may be a bit much to equate a listen to Hulk Hogan with the donning of a crown of thorns. But only a tiny bit much. This CD hurts the human soul. It is such a dreaded abomination to the human creative process that it has further discouraged me from any desire to spawn children so I might ensure that no progeny of mine can ever attempt something this bad in the distant future. If I thought it at all possible that I could make a CD this bad, myself, I would make a serious effort to swallow my own tongue.

    With that said, let’s get to some of the specifics. It won’t matter much, though. If you dissect poop, you’re not going to find anything that isn’t technically poop. Still, we can find out what the muse had for breakfast before he dumped this log of music in the crapper.

imageHulk Hogan, for those who don’t reside in this timeline, is a pro-wrestler/ego-maniac who made several ill-fated attempts to cash in on his fame. Hulk (Terry Bollea) has more movies in the running for Worst Flick of All-Time than Ed Wood (ed.: Hollywood’s favorite writer/director) and Eric Roberts combined. His pasta restaurant could only serve up a heaping, helping of Hogan-inspired hurl. Hulk Hogan’s CD features 10 boring songs employing the styles of power rock, power ballads, power rap, and power suck.

    Hulk’s band features Jimmy “Mouth of the South” Hart who sings lead vocals on a track called “Wrestling Boot Traveling Band” where he explains the rigors of being on the road with a musical act. As far as I know, this band isn’t on tour anywhere, so Jimmy can rest easy; one less topic for him to annoy us with in a boring song that sounds like it didn’t make the cut for an REO Speedwagon B-sides compilation.

    Hulk’s wife is in the band. And they got some guy who could actually play worth a crap to fill in a lot of the musical parts. It’s all very boring, power rock stuff with one consistent thread. The songs are either sung by Hogan or about Hogan in a very obvious way. The standout atrocities on this album include “Beach Patrol” where Hulk raps using the longest consecutive set of rap cliché phrases ever featured in a single song. Hogan raps again on “I want to be a Hulkamaniac” where he tries to teach kids important moral lessens through enlistment in his fan club. Hey, whatever works. I’ve never had a problem with kids training, saying their prayers, and eating their vitamins. Yet, it all sounds a little silly when Hogan advises:

“...Always go swimming with a buddy
Work real hard and always study…”

imageThe worst thing on this CD is a Hogan ballad called, “Hulkster in Heaven”. This is the only ballad I’ve ever heard featuring the word “Hulkamaniac”. According to the liner notes, this song is about a fan who died. Hulk croons, “I used to tear my shirt, but now you’ve torn my heart” and “I’ve heard it in the papers, I’ve saw it on TV. I guess they’ll be one empty seat when I wrestle at Wimbelly.” I’m sorry little guy. I really am.

    Granted, this CD is extremely funny, but I wouldn’t buy it. I mean, I did buy it, but it was half-price at the all for a dollar store. For those of you who don’t know, Monkeys vs. Robots gets money every time you buy something through the site. The only reason to buy this CD for a higher price is to show the same spirit of self-sacrifice I showed in writing this article by buying the CD through a link from this site. Do your part.
-Hazzard

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