pop-culture for the people

The myth, the magic, the majesty… awww who the hell am I kidding, get your lighters out, your hair teased, and that leather fringed jacket out of the closet, it’s time for my uber-cool review of Bon Jovi LIVE!!!! 

This past November I had the chance to see Bon Jovi in Wilkes-Barre, PA.  My reason for going was two-fold (always wanted to use that in an essay, well that and the words deviate and fecal, but anyway I digress.).  I have been a fan since the 80’s when I attempted to get my hair the height of a small skyscraper, only to ruin it with my feeble attempt at head-banging.  Four days before… I… oh the shame… went to see Fat Tony and NSYNC in concert.  Yes, I spent my hard-earned cash, of which I rarely have any, to see a band that seemed content to snatch said funds out of my fists with a resounding, “YOINK!”.  This “concert” was identical to one that aired on HBO the previous July. 

When I say identical, it’s no lie, (Bye Bye Bye).  The order of the songs and the “banter” with the audience (of whom I was definitely the most adorable) were all the same as the concert that aired on HBO.  My 10-year-old cousin (I used her as my cover) and I could’ve simply watched a rerun of the aforementioned show and saved $250.40 (Hey kids, here’s the math!  Grab your calculator and follow along! $65.20 per ticket, $35.00 per t-shirt, $20.00 per tour program, and $10.00 for the long sleeved t-shirt that I bargained for in the parking lot…. “YOINK”).  In addition to my already vacant wallet, our seats were not nosebleed; they were massive-hemorrhage-with blood-and-sinew-oozing-from-every-orifice seats.  Lest we forget, I drove 4.5 hours to attend this concert on Lon Gisland (heaven forbid this boyband might have to play somewhere without a Banana Republic or a Gap in near eyeshot). 

Upon leaving the venue my sweet, brilliant, cousin Shauna turns to me and calmly says, ”Well that wasn’t very good.”  We trudged through Nassau Coliseum’s parking lot, with her reconsidering her future as a boy band devotee, and me financially raped and pillaged. 

The whole experience made me long for the kinder, gentler, cheaper time of the 80’s and my beloved Bon Jovi.  I recently had discovered they were playing in Pennsylvania, and forked out $54.20 for a ticket, and found myself 6 rows from the stage.  I’ve never seen so many abuses of Aqua Net and Spandex in my entire life.  After the opening band Less Than Jake, who were worse than bad, my man… oops… hehe I mean the band took the stage.  Any sense of decorum I had was suddenly sucked out of me, and I was once again a teenybopper.  I screamed and jumped and let Mr. Bon Jovi, this 30 year-old father of two, take full control over me.  Then, before I knew it the lights came up.  I stood there dazed, looking like a reject from an Alice Cooper convention.  Hair a wreck, voice non-existent, brain turned to some sort of sodden mush.  We slowly exited the arena, like the workers in Fritz Lang’s “Metropolis.”

It was only after the night air hit my friend Jen and I, that any semblance of cognitive rational thought returned.  I started hearing stories that could never be attributed to me: Jolie screaming for Jon as if he could hear her lone voice above the din of the crowd; Jolie careening over barricades, and Jolie certain that Jon was pointing at her… and only her. 

I figure there had to be some temporary loss of sanity, much akin to people that go into convulsions at the sound of Mary Hart’s voice.  So I have decided that I must… err… umm… analyze this, so that others won’t have to “suffer” as I have.  I am going to make the ultimate sacrifice (for the sake of science), I’m going to see them again on May 20th.  What can I say; science must be served, now if I could only find where I put that can of Aqua Net. YOINK!

-BonJolie