pop-culture for the people

First off, let me tell the whole story behind my personal experience with Leprechaun in Space. A long, long time ago, Hollywood and I, if I remember correctly, were renting videos from Price Chopper, I think. Suddenly, I started convulsing in a sort of Dick Chaney meets Disco-Mambo fashion. My eyes spotted the Leprechaun; only this time he wasn’t chasing the annoying girl from Friends. Oh no, he was in Space. And not just IN Space-the picture on the cover, with its towering Leprechaun visage dwarfing a galaxy of stars and a puny interstellar ship, had me thinking Leprechaun OWNED space. Hey, if an American can buy a trip to space from the Russians, an Irish midget can buy some space, right? He’s got a pot of gold, right? Join me for a wondrous review of how the loveable Leprechaun bends the void of space over his crooked knee and makes it his bitch.

Which brings me to the main reason I had to rent this movie. Call it an obsession with finding/inventing the logic behind everything, but I found myself with a nagging desire to figure out why a Leprechaun would be in space. Sure, he could afford to buy the trip, but what possible reason would an evil Leprechaun have for doing this? Some of you out there are scratching the dandruff flakes on your head saying, “Evil Leprechaun?” For those of you who don’t know, Warwick Davis of “Willow” semi-fame stars in a series of films about an evil Leprechaun who wants his pot of gold and will kill anyone who gets in his way. According to a reliable, old Irish drunkard who sleeps at the bar down the block, an evil Leprechaun is quite possible. With so many running amuck and only one cereal offering a lucrative endorsement deal, we can understand why some little green guys might go rogue. Somewhere in his travels, the Leprechaun ends up in space, though. This is too much. I must know why!

The next logical step in any tired storyline is to throw in space. Power Rangers went to space. X-men during one of their slumps went to another galaxy. The Jetsons, The Transformers, G.I. Joe, Ninja Turtles, Johnny Carson, Clint Eastwood - all went to space when the end seemed near. Admittedly, space can be cool. The reverse is not true, though. Removing space from a space-centered series does not help. Thus, Deep Space 9, rarely showing more space other than the 30ft around the ship, sucked interstellar ass. Try adding IN SPACE to the end of anything. It almost always sounds like a good idea for a second or two. For that reason and that reason only, we can excuse the ode to suck that is Leprechaun in Space

Instead of following the trials and tribulations of our Leprechaun pal on route to space, this movie takes an interesting twist. Well, ‘twist’ isn’t the terminology I’m looking for, unless it’s referring to a similar sensation to having someone grab and twist both your nipples at the same time. Our story follows a group of Spaaaaaaaaaaaace Renagaaaaaaaaaaaaages!

Role Call!
1. Overblown military stereotype with metal plate in his head,
2. Annoying kickboxing chicks (1 slut, 1 playing hard to get), & several community college theater majors as tough, horny space soldiers.
It has all the right ingredients of a Science Fiction Softcore Porn. But wait! Hope is not entirely lost for this movie… Don’t forget the obligatory Evil Scientist, Dr. Mittenhand and his dorky assistant.

Mittenhand is half German fashion designer and half VIC 20 computer. His sudden switches from yelling to sobbing make him the film’s breakout character. One almost forgets he’s evil, as he loveably wheels around the science lab bitching and complaining about the incompetence of others. Isn’t there a little disgruntled cyborg in all of us?

On the surface of a random planet that looks like Shatner landed there a couple hundred times before, the space soldiers try to save a princess from a kidnapper. And who could kidnap and intergalactic princess?

You guessed it, the Leprechaun. This time, our Leprechaun doesn’t want a pot of gold. He has big Styrofoam chucks of it. Instead, he’s using that gold to bribe a princess into marrying him so he can be royal. For some reason, the Leprechaun believes royalty is better than being rich. I could be the queen of soul, but if I couldn’t buy a sandwich every now and then, I’d be too pissed off to live. Nevertheless, the little guy’s plan works. She agrees, finding him utterly repulsive, but economically attractive. Yes, the movie covered all its bases. The princess doesn’t have any money, because her good father gives it all to his good subjects. Thus, the writers made certain we wouldn’t wonder why a princess needs more riches. Of course, none of the writers thought to tell us WHY IN THE HELL THEY PUT A LEPRECHAUN IN SPACE!!!

Anyhow, in a gun battle, the Leprechaun is destroyed and the princess is knocked unconscious. The princess is loaded onto the ship where every door opens and closes with sound effects ripped off from id software’s Doom. Meanwhile, a solider who finds it amusing to piss on the Leprechaun’s severed head feels a sudden jolt of green lightning (I think they used to sell that at Walmart) go into his penis. While doctor Mittenhand devises a plot to use the princess’ supposed healing powers to rebuild his body, the soldiers have fun in the ship’s nightclub. Every ship should have a nightclub, but no ship should have a nightclub that looks like a converted elementary school cafeteria. One female soldier decides to hook up with the soldier previously struck in the willie by weird green lightning. The others tease him as if he has space-warts. And here we get a message about safe sex as the Leprechaun re-spawns by ripping through the soldier’s penis saying, “Always use protection, laddy.”

From here on, the plot is pretty simple. The soldiers are picked off one by one. It’s like alien, only with a… well, you know. Surprisingly, the Leprechaun’s silly antics work fine around futuristic technology, but his strange Shakespearean manner of speech sounds completely out of place amidst grunts that say, “Shoot it! Shoot!” eight billion times in one movie. Eventually, the plot thickens (or curds depending on your point of view), as the Leprechaun revives his princess, who orders him to do away with Dr. Mittenhand. By messing with some needles and a blender, they turn Dr. Mittenhand into Mitten-Spider, a grotesque mutant that spins webs, eats flies, and bores people to death with his sputtering.

Aside from that distracting, disgusting, and stomach turning side-plot, the movie yields only a few more surprises. Apparently, the Leprechaun can turn anyone over to his power at anytime. Why he doesn’t do this earlier in the movie, we cannot tell. Why is there a Leprechaun in Space? Who is John Galt? (sorry, obscure Ayn Rand reference). The commander of the soldiers is turned from a killing machine into a drag queen. After a drawn out fight scene, the remaining soldiers are able to destroy the drag queen, but no amount of action could save this movie. Not even a scene where the princess pronounces a death sentence by flashing the soldiers could save this movie. Tom Hanks couldn’t save this movie. He couldn’t even bring it back to Joe vs. the Volcano status.

Of course, an annoyingly over-explained shrink ray from earlier in the movie ends up turning the Leprechaun into a giant Leprechaun. We can understand this trend, too. If something works, why not offer it in larger quantities, but hey… Aren’t we getting just a bit far off the original vision? Leprechauns are not typically ruthless, so they’ve made them evil. Leprechaun’s aren’t usually huge, either. So, they make them tall? Why not turn his clothes from green to blue, change is accent, or here’s an idea: Throw him into space!!! Who were these people and would somebody please tell their doctor’s to up the dosage!!!

I was hoping I could advise renting this movie for a good laugh, but when you see this movie, you’ll laugh at first, then cringe, and finally end up hating humanity for letting this appalling thing happen. You’ll feel low, dirty, stupid, and sick to your stomach after realizing the two dollars you spent renting it somehow justifies over an hour of pure, unrefined poopoo. And do they ever explain why a Leprechaun is in space in the first place? No, absolutely not. Why can’t PTA groups get together and ban stuff like this? I’m sure if they had five minutes of this movie, everyone would be reading Catcher in the Rye, no problem. This movie is a reminder that everything can get worse. It’s a reminder that while so many good ideas go unfinished and overlooked, terrible worthless, crap will always find its way onto the shelves and into our VCRs. All you can do to fight the trend, no matter how curious you are, is to NEVER RENT THIS MOVIE… EVER.

-Hazzard

More Information On Leprechaun 4 In Space:
Who Really Cares?