pop-culture for the people

My father has digital cable, which means I could conceivably stay up all night watching soft-core pornography, but I don’t because my father’s usually awake playing his ridiculous fantasy Hockey game on the computer where his version of the Pittsburgh Penguins is 5 and O-h, who gives a shit?!

So, last night, I had to find something to watch, and I ended up turning to TMC (Turner Movie Classics?). And I stayed up an extra 2½ hours to watch the most bizarre Black and White movies I’ve ever seen.

Devil Dolls

The night began with Devil Dolls… Now, I don’t like black and white movies. Call me trite and lazy… (No, really, go ahead, call me that… and don’t be surprised if I show up at your house with a rusty shovel and break your face.) But this movie had me hooked from the second I saw none other than Mr. Potter from “It’s a Wonderful Life” in a long flowered dress squeaking and shrieking like the Spam lady from that famous Monty Python sketch.

The premise of this movie has something to do with an exiled escaped convict who creates a race of tiny men who pose as dolls in order to kill people. Sure, Puppet Master was about that, right? So, it can’t be so terrible, right? What’s wrong with this premise? Here’s a brief list:

Small “Devil Dolls” look like hapless drunken vagrants that no child would play with unless they somehow got a “Wild On E!: Orient Express” playset for Christmas.
Small demons are really, really small rendering them very, very useless. Complete with tiny switchblades these little thug-life bastards are out for blood… about two drops of it. That knife couldn’t punch a hole in a slice of ham from an Arby’s hot ham n’ cheese.

No matter how much scary music you play when a devil doll is sneaking up on someone, it doesn’t change the fact that the guy he’s sneaking up on is a good 100x his size. Some wrestling fans may recall the short-lived feud between Owen Hart and an early incarnation of Degeneration-X and think to themselves that this “one small man against all odds” scenario could actually be somewhat cool. You’d be wrong. It’s not cool! In fact, it’s actually almost as lame as me using an obscure wrestling reference to tell you how lame it is.

Demon Dolls appear to be men that are shrunk, but instead of voodoo, Mr. Potter and his assistant use a lot of beakers and tubes from 8th grade Chemistry lab that explode whenever dropped. Oh yeah, his assistant is the bride of Frankenstein only more German.

So, it’s a tale of science and intrigue. More science, though, because I failed to maintain high levels intrigue in those littler goobers once I saw their master. Mr. Potter is apparently running from the law (standard “crime he didn’t commit” stuff). Potter has a daughter who’s ashamed of him, and so Potter must use his knowledge of science to ensure the safety of his family er something.

What circumstances could drive a man to such ends where he absolutely MUST, without any other option, create evil dolls that pitifully terrorize innocent people? What kind of crazy funhouse wall do you have to have your back up against before making tiny demonic dolls becomes your ONLY option? Oh, but not just that! He has to pretend to be an old woman by disguising his voice (badly) and raiding Estelle Getty’s closet.

Mr. Potter gives many rousing speeches, which are expertly performed. However, they seem to lose a little something, because of, oh, I don’t know, but I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s the dangling ruby earrings and the pearly buttons of his Sunday blouse.

Bottom line: If you manage to find this movie anywhere. It’s well worth your time. The later in the night you see it, the more you’ll laugh. Warning, though, it gets boring towards the end after the “big” explosion takes out the lab and the little people. Mr. Potter’s pretty boring when he’s not clopping around in pumps or at least rolling around in a wheelchair being mean to people.