pop-culture for the people

So I recently asked my female friends if they wanted to go see Star Wars, and they seemed pretty thrilled. No, they didn’t start taking their dork pills. Apparently, they had this idea of seeing all the hot guys cast in the movie. I have no problem with going to see movies for that kind of reason. After all, I rented that ass-tastical Alyssa Milano vampire flick, but I fail to see what all the girls are so worked up about when it comes to Star Wars.

I went to the Star Wars website and figured I’d look at some of these “hot guys” and present the photos here in an effort to get to the bottom of this. What is so compelling about these space heartthrob?

Bachelors 1 & 2 are sort of cute. I’ll give them that, but what about the head gear? I’m reminded of that creepy idea presented first in Star Trek V: “Captain Kirk, not all creatures keep their genitals in the same place.” That explains a few things, I suppose. I guess if I had an three foot wanker on my head, I’d cover every other part of my body to draw attention to it. Of course, they left their faces uncovered so we could see their dorky, macho grins. Girls love confident, capable men, and so I guess I can understand what they see in these fellows.

But, what about this lug? Sure, he has a nice beard, and I can tell you first hand that nothing masks a growing second chin better than a thick tuft of facial hair, but aren’t there at least a dozen turn-offs found in this picture?

Though, I guess he’s sort of got that earthy-woodsman kind of quality to him. Some girls really dig the quiet, oafy, cool, party type. This guy probably likes to sit around, play a few relaxed games of pool, and hit the pipe until 7 am on a weekday.

He’s probably a beer-drinking, fun-loving animal, and the chubbiness only adds to his coolness since he’s obviously the “don’t give a fuck” type. Damn, these Star Wars guys really have a lot on me… the bastards.

Though, I’m not sure I understand the appeal with this guy? What are the ladies seeing in this pile of blue poop that has any redeeming value, and how can I duplicate it without having to look anything like this tub of crapulence?

Sure, he’s obviously got a sense of humor. Otherwise, he would have swallowed his face years ago just to end his miserable existence. Still, I think he’s creepy and kind of sinister.

Though, chicks dig heartless, cruel assholes who treat them like shit, and he does bare a resemblance to a couple of the guys my previous girlfriends dumped me for.

I’m sure his jovial, underhandedness really turns the ladies on, and the prospect of finding his gentler side and taming him to their will is the kind of ego project that many psycho chicks dream about. He’s all yours ladies.

Then, there’s this guy who obviously has his strong points. He’s blue, which is a popular color, and he has horns… Don’t ask me what women want with lots of horns. I guess that’s sort of a mystery best left for the next time I visit my old high school to pester my former Health teacher.

He’s definitely something different, and I’ve often been told that a certain something extra can help you out, nowadays, especially with so many guys trying to look exactly like Fred Durst of a day off.

This guy doesn’t reek of confidence, but has a larger-than-life presence that will probably win him many admirers. All-in-all, I can’t fully understand why chicks are flocking to see Star Wars. I guess since Toby McGwire seems kind of doofy and Richard Geer is too fucking old, there’s really a shortage of good-looking guys in film.

I’d make my own movie to satisfy the needs of the populous, but I’m still not sure I compare with these guys. Most of them probably have working automobiles and jobs where they don’t have to scrape gum off anything.

Bastards.

—hazzard