I thought I’d share some of the finest quotes from our dear friend Kurt.

Quotable Kurt

All I want is coffee and to be successful in art.

You can use the claw machine like a calendar, because its seasonal.
Ah, a love struck alien and a Scooby Doo, it must be close to Valentines day! - On Denny’s Claw Machine

Why do my sox smell? I hate the world.  -On technical advances

“I’m running out of things to put in my mouth”

“Horses may be majestic but they stink like poo”

“Painters are poetic and romantic.  I’m just some schnook who makes something out of cardboard”

“House paint is where it’s at!”

“You can’t be decadent with clothes on”

“When I go to sleep, that’s a blessing”

“It’s funny to see Kristen kill things” -Kurt about zombie killing

“Hey, you try being drunk everyday and see how competent you are”

“Oh my God!  I’m hideous!”

“The world will be a better place when it starts appreciating me”

“Is it discrimination to hope that ugly people never reproduce?”

“Look!  He’s in Zen!  Or he’s really tired”

“I thought buffalos were becoming extinct, but it’s pretty awesome that you still can eat them”
-On Neptune’s Buffalo Burgers

“I don’t like change.  Change in my pocket, or in my life”

“What kind of damned artist am I?!  I can’t use scissors and I don’t have any observational skills!”

“Art’s all the exercise I need”

“You’ve saved my cheese!”

“I sorta miss you calling me retarded” -Kurt to Kristen

“I’m too wary of life now to be happy”

“Go clean yourself off and leave me to be a genius”

“Lasers!  If these got in the wrong hands!” -After discovering how CD players work

“You should be honest when you like something.  I like corndogs, you like spankings” -Kurt to a friend

“I brought a banana” -Kurt at dinner at Denny’s

“You can hang gerbils from your nipple rings” -Kurt to Kristin

“I’ve decided I want to be rich.  Not really rich, but enough so that I can eat at Denny’s every day”

“Grease is pretty sexy”

“Ping” -The sound at the end of the universe.

“Lab animals get cancer from stubbing their toe”

“Ooh, Yanni, yum, yum, yum, gimme some” -Text from a bizarre cartoon Kurt created

“The things they can do with semen these days are amazing!  It’s not just for girls anymore.”

“I would have liked to have gone to Canada…  I meant Japan”

“Call me ‘The Future’”

“They knew about elephants back then?!” -Kurt referring to the time of the Wild West

“At least I can be tough in art”

“I need pictures of cancerous lungs”

“This shield is going to protect me from all sorts of stuff” -Explaining some of his art

“I thought that was the natural property of coffee” -After burning himself on a coffee pot

“I want to get into photography for the wrong reasons” -On Nude Photography

“If I can’t distract myself with booze at least I can distract myself with hookers shooting zombies.”

Bret’s an excellent wrestler but you can’t get Shakespeare out of a sack of shit. -On Wrestling

Getting nowhere takes forever. -Hmm…

I don’t have money because I’m not a pharaoh. -?

What about Jews? Jews like chicken. -On the unfairness of KFC closed on Easter

Then again, today kids are only scared of hard work and herpes… -read his review of The Turn of the Screw

Yeah get me some gay guys. I’ll put them to work. -On equal opportunity artistic employment (ala Warhol)

You try licking cotton for half an hour. -Hmm… again…


Quotable Friends


“Fuck you Dan” -Wes

“Smells Like barbeque” -Kristin “That’s the smell of genius” -Kurt

“What’s that knife for?  Cuttin’ stuff.” -Story told by Kristen

“Look Kurt, It’s nature” -Jerry to Kurt

“I’m a goddamn genius!” -Scott to Kurt

“A pox on you!” -Jerry to the world

“Ooh, I got punched in the face” -Wes

“We always make such messes when we’re here” -Kristen

“I don’t want monkey arms!” -Kristen

“That’s the sweet taste of cheap” -Dan about Kurt’s Wine brand wine

“I’m not crippled, I’m just pregnant” -Some stupid girl sitting in the smoking section of Denny’s

“You’re not witty, you’re an asshole” -Kristen to Kurt

“That’s Buddhism” -Kevin

“Grits?  Wuzzat?  Fried oatmeal?” -Overheard from a stupid hick at Denny’s

“That’d be like having scruples instead of sausage!” -Same hick

“I’m hardly dressed to wrestle a monkey Kurt” -Scott

“Flossing makes me want to have rough sex.” -Marcy

“Life is hard, so is cheese.” -Hartwick Security (This is their Official Mantra)

“All life is jerked on the end of idiot strinqs” -Bill Shakespeare

“I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk.” -John Huston