pop-culture for the people

George W. Bush, God, and Howard Stern walk into a bar…(by Aperturius)

George W. Bush:  Ahh, I remember this place.  I spent my formidable years puking in that men’s room over there in the corner.

God: I know.

Bush: Yep.  But those days is over.  I found you, man.  And I thank you.  You put more money in my pocket and helped me find more wealthy friends than I know what to do with, all in the pursuit of what’s right and true.

God: Well, I do what I can.

Howard Stern: Will you guys shut up?  That chick over there’s got huge cans.  I’ve gotta get over there and ask her to take her top off.  Do you see those things?  They must be double D’s!

Bush: I wouldn’t know.  I’m a happily married Christian, I don’t have impure thoughts anymore.

Stern: Yeah, marriage will do that to you.  Seriously, she’s hot.  I wonder if she’s ever done bukkake.

God:  Bu-what?

Bush:  I don’t know if I like where this is going, Sterny.  My constituents don’t like the idea of breasts being used in any other way but to identify the weaker sex.  If any of them see me here with you right now, my chances of reaching $250 million in campaign contributions is out the window.  And without that money, there’s no way I can get Pfizer to insert that special mind-control drug into everyone’s Xanax.  I may not win the election.

Stern:  Aww, come on.  Don’t you wanna see her play Wheel of Benji?  She’s so smokin’ hot!

God:  Well, I wouldn’t mind see…

Bush:  Look.  You’ve got to understand, Sterny-poot, America is a Christian nation, whether our founding fathers stated it outright or not.  We’ve got to live up to a moral code, create a culture that reflects the one true God’s laws. 

God:  Who, me?

Bush:  Yeah, that’s right.  And bukkake is just not in that equation.  Neither are you, Stern.  Not anymore.  I’ve asked Colin Powell’s brother Michael, chairman of the FCC, to do all he can to pull you off the air in order to make our airwaves decent-er.  Or more decent.  Something like that.  It’s nothing personal, you understand.  My daughters love your show.  They act out scenes from it in Texas night clubs all the time.

Stern:  But…but, I’m the self-proclaimed King of All Media!  You can’t do that!

Bush:  Yes I can, because I’m the governor.  I mean, President.  Isn’t that right, God?

God:  Uhh, sure.  Whatever. 

Stern:  Look you jackass, there’s something in our Constitution called the First Amendment, ever heard of it?

Bush:  Maybe I have and maybe I haven’t.  I’m not much of a reader.  Besides, them’s just words.  Remember those sixteen words from my State of the Union Address in 2003?  Those words about nu-cular weapons and Iraq?  Just words.  It’s like magnetic poetry, switch the words around and you’ve got a whole ‘nother sentence.  You know what word I really like?  FEAR.  Nice, one syllable word.  Easy for me to pronounce. 

Stern:  Are we still talking about the same thing?

Bush:  I don’t know.  I have a way of starting with one idea and ending with a completely different one.  But there’s one thing I do remember: 9/11.  And everyone else should remember 9/11 too.  9/11, 9/11, 9/11.  Rolls right off the tongue, don’t it?

Stern:  Dude, this has nothing to do with 9/11.  This has to do with freedom of speech, freedom of religion, and all that other crap you’ve forgotten about.

Bush:  I haven’t forgotten about freedom of religion.  Everyone has the freedom to follow Christianity.

Stern:  And…?

Bush:  And what?

Stern:  What about every other religion?  What about atheism?

Bush:  Oh, you mean terrorism?  No, terrorism must be destroyed.  For the good of the peoples.

God:  Ho boy.

Stern:  Whatever.  Look, God, you want a drink?

God:  Thanks, I need one.  It’s been quite the millennium.

Bush:  All I’m saying is I think the American people know that I’m doing what God has asked me to do…

God:  Shut up.

Bush:  …and what he has asked is that I speak to the American people about living without sin.  And to live without sin, one must live without taxes.  Wealthy people know that if you own eight or more yachts, when you die you get to take them with you.  It’s in the Bible.  One can only get to this point by not paying taxes. 

Stern:  And what about the lower and middle classes?

Bush:  They don’t want yachts.  They like working for the man.  Gives ‘em a sense of purpose.  Besides, this is America.  Everyone has the chance to strike it rich.  Just look at you, Stern. 

Stern:  Oh, please don’t get me into this.

Bush:  That’s why I don’t understand why you’ve been so outspoken against me lately.  You’re living the American Dream.  And my tax cuts have helped you get there.  When my administration yanks you off the air, you’ll be sittin’ pretty for the rest of your life.  What’s to complain about?

Stern:  You still don’t get it, man.  Look, I don’t have time for this.  There’s some mammaries over there with my name on ‘em.  I wonder if they’re real.

God:  Nope.

Bush:  Well, God bless you anyway, Stern.  And God Bless Republicans.

God:  Peace out, Howard.

Bush:  You know, God, for someone who’s all-knowing, you don’t talk much.

God:  Nothing to prove, I guess.

Bush:  Man, what’s THAT like?