monkeysvsrobots.com » Abslide Exercise Review

For my first review for MVSR, I wanted to do something that would force the webmaster to write in an OTHER category just like I forced the SAT people to do when I showed up dressed as David Bowie from the cover of Aladdin Zane. I thought about reviewing some old video game that’s been fighting off vicious, nasty rogue bands of dust balls in my closet for years. Yet, I needed something more challenging for mind, body, and spirit. And those who know me know that I’m always up on any new hip commercial craze, and those who don’t know me, know that they will perish without having led a full or even remotely beautiful life. Anyhow, I want to review:

The Ab-bastard…. Or Abslide, I don’t know. It’s not mine. It belongs to this friend of mine who used to smoke my cigarettes. Now that I’ve quit smoking, she just bums beers every once in a while. I’m afraid to quit drinking, because she might want my soul next. This excuse does not fly at the AA meetings, but it’s the best one I’ve got going right now. Anyway, I call it the Ab-bastard, because it doesn’t really whip your abs into shape. It critically annoys them by forcing you to do a repetitive “humping the floor” motion. This equipment seems to work solely by employing the power of a person’s self-humiliation.

This is an ingenious advancement in workout technology. Why do people sweat so much from working out? It’s not because of the physical activity. It’s a chemical reaction to the stress of utter embarrassment. And what can be more embarrassing than having lots of thin, health club fitness dorks watch your blubber shake while you’re praying to obscure gods from third world countries in hopeless attempts to gain deliverance from thirty horrific minutes on the stair master? As your embarrassment increases, so does body heat. As body heat increases, calories are burned in a process that probably involves gnomes, microscopic lizards, riboflavin, and some extra strength science. The end result of a few years of torture is Calista Flockhart.

But, how does the Ab-bastard bring this level of total humiliation to the home? How can you feel completely ridiculous in the privacy of your own trailer/mobile home/Zenith refrigerator box? It may seem unheard of to pick your nose and eat it in public, but in the privacy of your home you can prepare whole meals around the great delectable giblets of the enchanted nasal chasm, in theory. What could possibly be embarrassing enough to embarrass the average corpulent American turd, you ask? Well, the Ab-bastard answers that question by urging its users to wag their genitals at the carpet like a hyperactive erect greyhound in springtime. It’s not a pretty sight folks. After just fifteen minutes of this, you’ll feel so stupid that you’ll be sweating your balls off in fear that you could have been doing something more meaningful with your life (like playing Faxanadu or thinking about finding something to read). Extended use may cause manic depression leading to a loss of appetite leading to weight loss leading to the end of the sentence very slowly but surely we’re getting there almost right about now.

Yes, I tried it. Yes, I’m forever changed. And the worst part of it is that later in the day, your stomach actually burns a little. It’s not that kind of “Ooh that was a nice workout, I want to lick my cousin’s head” kind of burn. It’s that “Ooh, I’m so hungry I could eat machine separated pork products and like it” kind of burn. That totally defeats the purpose!
For those of you who have not seen the many variations on the Ab-bastard: Some are long metal beams with two handles. Some look like those things that roll around on the floor of the Death Star in the first Star Wars movie. The one I used looked like the brain pod atop Buster Poindexter’s head in Hulk Hogan’s epic film moiré masterpiece Mr. Nanny, only it had handles and wheels on the bottom.

I don’t recommend this product for use by anyone who normally feels stupid practicing rotary sex maneuvers on the carpet. For the rest of us, oops, I mean, for the rest of you guys out there, I’d say give it a shot once or twice. If anything, it’s a humbling experience.

-Hazzard

Buy This From:
Barnes & Noble
Amazon.com
Buy.com