imageI have been troubled. We are living amidst the rise of a generation that will have never eaten a tan M&M. We are living alongside a rising workforce that doesn’t even know that an original (not super) Mario Brothers game ever existed. This disturbs me. M&M’s used to more closely resemble the color scheme of dive bars and cheap bowling alleys where they were eaten with beernuts by slackers and losers alike. Where have all the good times gone? Can’t our doomed generation have the constancy of our less than fulfilling snack foods free from the radical trends of the rising generation? I don’t take orders from anyone who hasn’t played Zaxxon, and when some neo-hippies start talking about changing my snack foods, I have to do something.

So, I’m reviewing the proposed new flavor in Skittles: sour apple.

imageI know what you’re thinking. Isn’t sour apple typically green, just like lime. Well, the people of Skittles obviously thought it would be too much of a brain-squish for the consumers if Lime and Sour Apple coexisted as green, so Lime got his pink slip in the mail. Skittles is trying to make it appear that Lime hasn’t got the permanent boot, but the facts suggest that Skittles is pulling for the new guy, and just being polite about the whole Lime dismissal, since Lime’s been with the company for so long. My question is, who did this Sour Apple fellow have to blow to get a slot on the Skittles team? And to take such a flagship color as bright green? Who does this upstart punk think he is? And what’s Lime doing these days? He’s stuck with a lowly partnership with along side a weak, faintly bitter Lemon in floundering soda pops like Sprite. Nobody drinks those except people who lick their animals clean on the farm.

Skittles writes on their package, “Keep the apple, lose the lime? Tell us at Skittles.com” It seems as though it’s more a statement than a question since, Apple is plastered all over the bag. There are definitely more Apple than any other color in both sample bags I’ve eat so far. I’ve got seven more to go, but my jaw hurts so I don’t know if I’ll make it.

For a minute, I considered that this was a ploy to get people to go to the Skittles web site. It sounds like a good plan, right? Swap out one of the best flavors with something new, infuriate the masses, and what better advertising is there than pissing people off? Ask Vanilla Ice. Everyone knows who he is, right? And OJ, he’s more popular than ever! But, I’ve considered that if Skittles had really intended to piss us off just to get us to log on to their dumb ass web site, then they would have replaced Lime with something far worse. It would have to be green, like Chemical Waste or Boogers. That would really get people complaining on the web site.

imageSo, I guess that means that Skittles is really planning to muscle out Lime and their trying to soften the blow. No offense to Sour Apple. The kid has a great career ahead of him, but he’s ahead of his time. Lime’s still got some good years in him, yet. No matter what those kids say. Russell Crowe thought he was washed up in Mystery Alaska, but he coached the team on the ice to a near victory, even though the movie sucked. Well, Russell Crowe was a tough as nails old school cop in LA Confidential, and people thought he was washed up, but he came back at the end… and got shot. Darn it! Russell Crowe’s not helping me out here, is he?

My last thoughts on the subject are as follows: Lime has time-tested integrity. Sour Apple is just a fad that the kids are trying to throw in our faces like the darn rap music and those stupid inline scooters. Those punk kids can take their silly scooters, their Ricky Martin, and their safe sex go roll off a cliff. I’ll be up top spitting Sour Apple Skittles and stupid blue M&Ms right into their beady little eyes.

-Hazzard

imageOther Resources for Skittles:
Buy Skittles from Amazon
Buy Skittles from Barnes & Noble
Buy Skittles from CandyDirect.com
Buy Skittles from Old Fashioned Candy
Buy Skittles from CyberCandy
Buy Skittles from International Candy
Skittles.com
Candy Crisis
The US vs. UK Sour Skittles Debate